Memiors Of A Spoilt Urban Pretti Boi With A Virgin/Ho CompleX.

Movin' On

2006-10-30T12:22:00.000-08:00

I just gotta keep it moving.

No more straight boy distractions. These dudes I lust after do nothing for me. Well, to me but, that's another story. I made a vow to stop looking at straight men UNTIL I have been told they are gay.

I have totally let go of all these feelings I had for the dudes I was going head over heels for. It was actually really hard but I had to let go. I don't think right now I am meant to talk to anyone, let alone fuck anyone. I feel I'm supposed to be focused. I got places to go and people to see. Things that need to be conquered ... but I'm holding myself back by concentrating too much on dick. Dick that get erects but shrivels up when I start to move in closer.

At one point, I was blaming myself. It is not me to blame ... it is them. I tried to open myself up. I could have tried a little harder but, in our lifestyle, you kinda gotta just hold back on being too foward. Maybe they were gay and maybe they werent but ... I will never know and that is okay.

Maybe I'm paranoid?

Hell, it seems like everytime I turn on a televison or read a gay blog, some gay guy is getting his ass kicked and killed. I'm not even trying to get to that level. Does this mean I'm going to be alone? I don't take risks enough? It is easier when you have a vagina and want a man. It is " the way it is suppose to be " kinda thing. When you have a dick and tryna find dick ... it's not that easy.

Funny thing is, I seem to be the one that all the people in gay relationships cheat on their men to be with. My little brother says I'm hot, why wouldn't I get that attention? I'm going to this place where this gay couple attends and the top is seriously trying to get my attention. I mean from staring to walk extra close to me. I'm always " the man stealing ho " for some odd reason. It has happened before with the guys I talked too. A majority were in realtionships and wanted to get a piece. Some left who they were with to try to be with me. Although it didn't work out, I was still responsible for a break up.

Is that my role in this gay world? The guy who the others want but too scared to approach? The guy who secretly make all the gay boys and downlow brothas cream? Am I the one that will just be a side piece? I wished for it in my low self esteem days but I feel it is coming true. I can't walk into a room without head turning. It makes me feel good to know that I am sexy and good looking like that but, at the same time, I believe in karma.

" He left you to be with me ... he'll leave me to be with you again. "

No way Jose. I do not have the patience to deal with that mess.

I'm in serious under construction mode to find who I am and what I truly want. This will definitely get interesting.

v.Ho

Random Quote From Yahoo Answers ...

2006-10-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

I swear Yahoo Answers is the best thing invented. My self esteem is growing due to the questions and answers I constantly read. It's like a free self help book. Why you think I got over D&L so quick? Anywho, here is the quote:

I've heard it said that love is not the solution to our problems, love is the reward for solving our problems. People are universal in their disdain for needy people. Your need is profound, and causing you to cry out, but I suspect it is having the opposite effect that you are after.

You have made some very positive statements. When I hear that someone is well-groomed, well-dressed, and always gets compliments on their voice and general bearing; I picture a successful executive, a natural leader, someone who is capable of making a lot of money for themselves and others.

If you become the top player in a particular field, I can assure you the people around you are going to be paying attention to your business moves in place of your double chins. Success is a very powerful aphrodisiac. Does this mean you will be surrounded by sycophants that intend to use you for material gain? Perhaps. But it might also mean that you win the respect and admiration of a man that truly loves you.

Napoleon Hill, in his book, "Grow Rich with Peace of Mind" talks about the sublimation of sexual energy. Perhaps it's time to divert that healthy urge into a powerful furnace to drive you to success in business. Don't give up on current romance, just postpone it for a more excellent future. I like your guts. keep at it and never doubt your ultimate success, both in business and in love.

If you are going to pray about, then don't worry about it..
If you are going to worry about it, then don't pray about it,
what will be, will be there will better times okay....Best Wishes..

-What a way to start the day.

Whore - ney.

2006-10-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

I seem to be getting hornier by the milli-second.

Everyday, my whore-mones are racing like they are in the Indy 500. I tend to get off a good 4 - 5 times a day because I seem to always be in the mood. Always day dreaming about sex and the person giving it to me. Always thinking of ways, positions, and notions. Floating on cloud 9 because the idea of getting fucked seems so right, right about now. Only thing is, no man in sight. Well, except the fine ass ones I see walking down the street, who probably join me in my nassy fantasies.

But, what the hell? I know I'm a man and blah blah blah but I doubt this is normal. I can see sex in everything. If I listen to a song and it is sexual, whoa, watch out. I'm just a damn horny toad.

Like you couldn't tell.

My problem is that even though I'm a serious hornball, I'm still trying to play this virgin thing up. Trying to be perfect. In this world of AIDS and STDS, a boy isn't safe anymore from catching anything. I like to kiss and now, kissing is out due to herpes. I want to be safe and if my safety is questioned, I don't want any part of it ...

BUT ...

... LATELY ...

... I have been thinking screw safety, I just want to get screwed. I'm not talking about meet someone random and fuck them like I have no common sense. You know those hot in the pants heathens and heffas who will fall on a dick without knowning where it has been. No. I want to at least know the person and their history. Have them tested ASAP. I'm losing my " need - to - be - in - a - relationship " idea and stepping into " need - to - get - mine " kind of thinking. In this lifestyle, we can't up and get married and lose our virginity in a Vegas honeymoon suite. Uh uh. Not happening.

I have accomplished alot having my virginity for as long as I've had it but, I think it's time for it to go. It's a new day. I have seen the light and have grown quite a bit. Even though it hasn't worked out with the people I have liked, I will try to keep myself open for that man that is trying to get some, strictly on a getting some basis.

A dix dealer.

I would like this dix dealer to be someone I'm sexually attracted too, fine, and isn't infested with diseases that aren't even discovered. We'll get into love and relationships alot later in life. Right now, a boy just wants to have fun.

I'm wondering if I confusing lust with deep like, maybe even love? My eyes have been open to alot of things recently, and I'm fucking up. I'm not taking risks and I'm just doing nothing ... or no one in the process. It shouldn't be this difficult. I'm a fly sexxi mofo that wants a real boy to do real things with sexually. My sex drive alone can take me all the way to East India. Is it wrong to say that I still get off to D&L, even though I shouldn't? I keep imagining him on-top of me and my knees buckle. [thud] I keep having all these nasty 3 some, rough sex, call my name day dreams with him that just won't seem to go away. Bad enough, I saw someone on the train that looked like him. Shoot, I thought it was him: Same style and features. Same build and facial expressions. I was going to jump on that fool there and then.

Thank GOD for prayer.

But, like I said, more to cum.

V.Ho

State Of Confusion

2006-10-08T11:05:00.001-07:00

"And of course the elephant in the room that no one wants to point out is that even though the vast majority of both fem and masc gay men prefer masc men, even masculine men prefer other masculine men over feminine men.

I am reminded of that new Beyonce song "Upgrade". It is in a man's nature to acquite the best he can. His first gay sexual experience may have been with someone who he might not have been all that attracted to, for he might not be all that familiar with the gay scene and the plentiful choices out there. But what happens when he sees more, and he realizes his "social worth" and that he can do and acquire "better"? UPGRADE! So the hot masculine guy (Wade or Tre) who was with a first-time thing (Noah / Alex), now gets a Dre or Tre.

No different from one these hot jocks leave their hometowns to go to college. They're dating their dumpy, frumpy hometown honey Gertrude but when they go off to the big city they see better options, and TAKE THEM and never look back! UPGRADE! " - Random poster on Keith Boykin's comment box.

I'm seriously starting to wonder if that is true.

I am an avid fan of Noah's Arc. Love the dynamic of the show ... the first season. This second season rolls around and I don't know what the fuck is going on. It was on some other shit as far as the drama and the pettiness was concerned. Noah is more and more starting to come off as a queen, than that bottom gay guy I thought so highly about. His outfits were left for debate BUT, in the first season, I felt for him. He was like me a little. He just got the guy. His yearn for Wade, someone I am very attarcted to might I add. This second season, he lost it for me. I couldn't relate with him anymore. He was just ... out there.

The above poster made a point, esp. here:

His first gay sexual experience may have been with someone who he might not have been all that attracted to, for he might not be all that familiar with the gay scene and the plentiful choices out there. But what happens when he sees more, and he realizes his "social worth" and that he can do and acquire "better"? UPGRADE! So the hot masculine guy (Wade or Tre) who was with a first-time thing (Noah / Alex), now gets a Dre or Tre.

Is this true? I seem to attract those men who are new coming into the lifestyle. I never seem to attarct the TOPS who are like 5 - 6 years in the lifestyle. They might like me from afar but never pursue. I get the men who are suppose to be ~~confused~~ straight trying to fight for my attention ... but never dare actually ask me anything.

Now, I'm not feminine. I'm not masculine. I'm one of those gay men just STUCK in the middle. I am just me. I know I'm not the psuedo masculine man and wouldn't try making that mistake being in denial. Then, I'm not the fem queen who is voguing and doing side step twirls with a glittery baton. Nope, I'm just me. Take it or leave it.

But, is that the reason I am single?

I don't see alot of men looking for someone like me. Not into the gay scene and just walking to his own beat. I don't go to gay clubs or balls. I only went to gay programs in my coming out phase and I didn't like them all that much. People often asked at those events why I was single and I had to just smile and say,

"Guess it's not my time."

It seems it is never my time esp. the dudes I drool after. I put my pictures on gay sites like A4A and BGC, only to be rejected. I'm a slim dude and I'm not popping pec titties and showing abs and ass ... so, I'm ruled out. My voice isn't the average deep negro. It is trapped in the middle of being a midtempo. I deepen it when I'm uncomfortable but why act like something I'm not, just to meet a man? That's like these homo thugs who act all masculine in the pictures, but at the right occasion, a Louis Vuttion purse will fly out his mouth!

Maybe, I'm looking to hard. Maybe, I'm coming off desperate. I don't know. Last night, I was out with two friends and I'm in the backseat crying and shit. I wasn't crying because I wasn't having a good time. I was crying because I thought about how I had to let go of another guy I was so sure of. Even though I threw D&L off my friend's list, I still think about him. I still find myself masturbating to him, even though I told myself to stop. This is not going to be easy.

Then, will I just find a dude who is using me to upgrade. Like the above poster said, it is something to ponder. I'm not attarcted to feminine men and nowadays, they arent even peeping me like before. There might be some hard truth in that loving yourself thing. When I was doing me, they were all over me. NOW, I'm not even getting looked at like I was before.

YET, if I wanted pussy tommorow, I could get it tonight. The amount of females that I could screw is crazy.

Something just popped in my mind. I am so concerned with men, that I ignore the females and they stay trying to get a piece of me. When you ignore something, it chases you.

I might have found a clue into my dilemma already.

v.Ho

re-New

2006-10-06T07:36:00.000-07:00

It's about time.

v.Ho

Took The First Step

2006-10-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

Thise whole D&L thing is over.

When true friends have to intervine, it's time to break that habit.

Erased his presence off my friend's list and will make an effort to erase him from my mind. He is definitely the perfect example of an option I made into a priority.

So: ~~D&L~~

v.Ho

1:57AM

2006-10-02T23:02:00.000-07:00

I have alot to say this morning but, I just can't seem to concentrate.

I feel strange. I feel a mixture of things actually. I feel sad, happy, angry, and tired. I feel like I'm losing my control. Like Janet said, it's all about control. Lots of it but lately, I feel out of it. I'm going through a couple financial issues that have me in a rut but, I know I will see my way out of it soon.

My issue is I'm falling to hard for a guy that I know nothing about. I'm falling for a guy, something I swore after the last crash and burns, I would never do again. Somehow, I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. I don't really know what I was thinking but obviously, I wasn't.

Typical v.Ho fashion.

I hear tonight a guy that is bi feels D&L gets down. He has this feeling about him that hit him like it hit me and a couple others. Great. Only problem is, I won't see or hear anything about it, seeing as how I don't see D&L. I don't work with him like they do. I just get to see him at parties, which, havent happened in a while. It feels like hell. It's almost like torture.

Why does this have to be so damn hard? Why is it never easy for me to get the guy?

It is usually so easy for others, but for me, it is always difficult. I attract the guys who are so on the low, it hurts. They play these little games with me that get me open. I usually don't see them all the time but, when I do, it is on.

Look. Look Away. Look Again. Stand close. Deep eye contact.

BS. BS. BS. FUCKING BS.

Then, after a while, they give up on me. Leaving me with all this emotional baggage that I could fill an entire airport with. Got me looking like this puppy with his tail between his legs. I hate it. It's like I wish I could attarct the guys easily and they actually come out to me. I want to go on dates. Argue on the phone. Miss him when he is away from me. Fuck like rabbits and so on and so forth. It seems like I am always alone, if not with my friends. They say I'm not ugly but, I'm alone??????????????????????????????????

Something isn't right. I seem to be plagued with something. Something that has me single for what seemed like an eternity. Ka`Toi has options. TSH has options. My other friends have options but I have nothing.

Sometimes, I sit in my room and I cry because I don't know what is going on. I hear so many stories of men meeting men but I can't. Even if it didn't work out, at least they have the experience. I'm here just dating myself it seems. How much do I need to love myself? There are people with jacked up self esteem meeting countless men, yet, I'm single?

I want a guy I'm attracted too. I should be able to pull them left and right but, it's just not happening and I can't understand why. I fell too deep again for a guy that I know nothing about and now I'm stuck.

I hate feeling like this. I try and I fucking try and nothing is working.

The saga fucking continues ...

v.Ho

Dreaming Of The Unknown

2006-09-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

There I go,
Dreaming about D&L again.
It's not even sex dreams as much as it is being with him.
The drama with the unknown is that it is just that.
You are curious for something that feels right but could be and might be wrong.
It really sucks when you feel a certain way but it turns out to be something totally different.
A new poster (thank you) in one of my comments said "dont get my hopes up",
but I think I did and I'm feeling crush-sick.

I'm starting to feel stupid ... again.
I don't even know this guy.
I only know what I felt when we first met and what I've been told.

I'm starting to make him my priority instead of my option.
I don't know when I fell in this trap but I'm starting to regret going this far.
I like him .. yes ... but he shouldn't be the main focal point of all my thoughts and fantasies.

When I crush, I crush HARD.
I heard through the TSH grapevine that this bi guy that works at his job,
told him that some of the dudes he works close with get down.
TSH went on saying that the dude wouldn't tell him BUT he only works with three dudes on his shift, one of which happens to be D&L.

My eyes lit up on the other end of the reciever BUT I kept it composed.
I started thinking back to the times we were all in the same position and I caught D&L staring at me.
Me, being shy, wouldn't hold the eye contact for too long and would look away.
Sometimes, I would feel him looking at me even when I wasn't directly looking at him.

Yet, he added me to his friend's list on the net and hasn't communicated with me since.
I don't get it.
I feel like a silly bitch in deep like.
It would be different if I had options but I havent had a good lead since last summer.

the plot thickens ...

v.Ho

Hornball.

2006-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get over this guy.

Yes ... you guessed it ... D&L.

God, it's like I want him so bad. I can't formulate the words or phrases to describe the co-star in my wet dreams. I'm starting to be very content being single. Hell, I'm feeling fabulous but this dude has taken me by storm. I'm dreaming about him, thinking about him, wondering what he is doing, and even touching myself with him as my inspiration.

This dude has me hit with the fever ... and he hasn't even layed it on me yet.

Ya know what has me though? The fact I'm still a virgin at 25. It almost feels surreal. I hear people talking about sex like its on the same level of taking a shower. It's funny how much people think I'm experienced by the way I talk. I'm telling you, when you speak confidently, people will assume the obvious. I told a few people I was a virgin and they were indeed shocked.

I need some though. I can't lie. I'm feeling real horny these last couple days. Super horny. I been fucking myself like crazy non stop. Sometimes 5 - 6 times a day. I feel I might be getting laid pretty soon.

I'm confident about this.

v.Ho

Been Gone For So Long

2006-09-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive.

I had a few issues that had me stuck offline for a while but I'm back.

So lets catch up ...

I decided it was time to talk to TSH about some issues. I was having some serious issues with him as far as dudes were concerned. I felt like everytime I even mentioned I liked a dude, here he goes, running off at the mouth about the same dude I was feeling. He would start calling me out of no where just to tell me he thought such and such was sexy and what they were doing that made them look right. He called me one day to tell me that he walked in on D&L changing in their break room and how he had a big dick and, although you can't tell from how he wears jeans, that he had a very fat ass in his boxers. I thought it was a slap in the face really. You know I like him, you see him all the time and you are drooling after him too. I can't fuck him so it's no point in telling me shit like that.

It got so bad at one point that he even called me tipsy off some Henny telling me how sexy D&L is and how he was going to take him from me. Jokes my ass. That didn't sound like a joke to me when for the last few months, he has been making subtle comments about the dudes I liked. Aside from dudes, he was almost trying to emulate me. Little things I was doing, he was looking into doing them too.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Yeah, it is but SAT your ass down. I do things and folks try to do it too. Normal. I do the same but with him, I felt he was just trying to do EVERYTHING I did esp. the dick I wanted. I decided to shut my mouth when it came to the men I liked when it came to him. I'll stick to just telling Ka`Toi. Hell, some dudes I feel strongly for, I'll just tell myself and my blog. I never reveal who they are anyway so it will be just between us.

Aside from that, the D&L saga has come to a complete hault anyway. I don't know what the fuck is going on with him. He was so excited, from what TSH was telling me and you know I can't really take his word seriously now, to add me to his friend's list but when I send a message, no reply. I don't get it. Sometimes I wonder if he has been cyber stalking me the same way I do to him.

WHAT? I like no one ever did that before. *scoff*

But, I feel that he secretly does pay attention to me. I could be wrong but I decided to just listen to that gut instinct that we all have but we ignore.

Is he shy?
Is he feeling me out?

I just don't know. I know one thing, I'm inpatient as hell! The thing with this lifestyle is that when you meet that you dude you had your eye on, he could only like you as a crush. He might not ever act on it. Unless you and him ever get the chance to be alone and LORD KNOWS when that will be esp. in my situation. So you just gotta wait.

Only thing you can do.

What happens when you get sick of waiting and just want to move on ... but can't?

Out.

v.Ho

My Future Husband's Interview.

2006-09-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

Aug. 14, 2006
By Jawn Murray, AOL Black Voices Columnist

Big Break

"It feels good to be a part of something that's groundbreaking in a world where everybody has seen everything and done everything. To be able to create new images and new situations on television ... it's good to be a part of it," said Jensen Atwood, better known as Wade on the LOGO network's original series 'Noah's Arc.'

The South Central Los Angeles-bred actor, who studied theater both at California State University Long Beach and Playhouse West in Los Angeles, has become one of the breakout stars on the pioneering black gay dramedy. "Wow! That's all I can ever say is, 'Wow,'" said Atwood. "To be where we're at now, with the first season on DVD and the second season [having just premiered], from where we started. I believed in [the producer] Patrick [Ian Polk's] work and I wanted to take chances and so I saw it as an opportunity to do that. And here we are, again, and people are talking about it."

Buzz about 'Noah's Arc' began in Hollywood almost two years ago. A pilot for the series was screened online and was sent to journalists nationwide, while Polk and his partners shopped the series to various television networks. When it seemed as though no television outlet would option the series, there was talk of an entire season of the show being packaged for the straight-to-DVD market. Ultimately, MTV launched LOGO and 'Noah's Arc' found a home there.

Atwood feels the timing couldn't be better for 'Noah's Arc' to be on television. "I think as a people we've come a little further as far as not being so judgmental. We live in a world where we experience everything. To pretend like your next door neighbor isn't of a different nationality or the guy that you work with isn't of a different sexuality, we're just very different people," he explained, before adding, "I am not sure why it took til' now, but I'm glad it's now. If it was a different time, Wade would be played by somebody else perhaps."

Hollywood has embraced the series as well, with stars like Victoria Rowell ('The Young and the Restless"), sportscaster John Salley, former B2K singer Raz-B, Rockmond Dunbar ('Prison Break') and Keith Hamilton Cobb ('All My Children') being slated to, or having already guest-starred on the show.

On 'Noah's Arc,' Atwood's character is a straight man that discovers he's gay when he falls for the title character, Noah. Because the show pushes the envelope with erotic kissing and racy sex scenes, I wondered what Atwood's family and friends thought of the series. "Um, they're excited that I am doing what I want to do. And I'm actually making a living doing it," he said, laughing. "Other than that, it was a surprise to them. It was a surprise to my mom at first because she found out through the Internet, as funny as the Internet can sound sometimes, and she really wasn't sure what it was. Just getting a half story, she was kind of shocked 'cause she didn't know what it was. So it took me to explain it to her. It took me to show her what it really was for her to go, 'Oh okay, yeah that's good.'"

Since my mom always told me never to assume, I didn't want to assume that since Atwood played a gay person on 'Noah's Arc' that he was actually gay in real life. So I asked: "Do you define your sexuality?"

He replied: "I do. But I don't. Because, you know, its funny with this…people seem to get away from the show and the actors when they get caught up in someone's sexuality. I am a very open person and proud of who I am, but when it comes to 'Noah's Arc' the show or Jensen Atwood's personal life, I'd rather talk about 'Noah's Arc' the show."

Though his answer was a little ambiguous, I left the matter alone. I am told that Atwood is straight.

I did, however, ask Atwood what he thought of the hoopla made over Lance Bass of N'Sync coming out of the closet. "Has it caused a hoopla? I didn't even know that," he offered, before adding, "It was kind of like, 'duh,' to me when somebody told me. I don't know if there is a different objective as far as maybe career wise or something. It wasn't a huge surprise, so I don't know what the big deal is."

A big deal for Atwood was his big break in Hollywood, which came by way of his role as Johnny Taylor in Oprah Winfrey's made-for-TV adaptation of the Toni Morrison novel, 'Their Eyes Were Watching God.' "It was unbelievable. Which actor wouldn't want to play opposite of an Oscar winning actress," he said about the film's star, Halle Berry. "I was given that opportunity and it was something that still follows me, and I'm glad that it does."

While acting seems to be Atwood's first love, there may be some music endeavors in his future as well. "I've been singing my whole life," he confessed. The actor was a backup singer for Tyrese when he toured with Brian McKnight and even sung in a quintet called Reign. Atwood has appeared in music videos by Destiny's Child ("Lose My Breath"/"Soldier"), Lil' Mo ("Superwoman Pt. II") and Heather Headley ("I Wish I Wasn't").

... and NO, he is not gay!

2006-09-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

[muffled laughs]

Sounds Like Me

2006-09-10T18:14:00.000-07:00

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion!
And chances are, you're currently in love.
You have a strong physical response to love...
And you are great at committing
(As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

Days Like These

2006-09-07T17:09:00.000-07:00

After days like these, I swear, I need to be able to come home to my man and just lay in his arms. Nothing sexual or over the top. Just lay in his arms and feel his embrace.

That's it.

v.Ho

Tick, Tock.

2006-09-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

Nothing new as of late.

D&L hasn't replied to my message. I did realize he doesn't answer comments OR messages. I really think he is kind of shy.

Another one? Must I always have this constant effect on men?

I'm rolling my eyes thinking about it. I want a guy, I'm attracted too, that is as aggressive as Baby Gat in Noah's Arc. Speaking of that, am I the only one that thinks Baby Gat has simaliarites to Usher? I swear he was modelled after Ush. Maybe the girls were right when they were reporting the info on Usher.

I've had a couple intense sex dreams about D&L. I'm not trying to fall hard for this fool seeing as how I don't know when I'll see him again. All the events I thought I would see him again were cancelled so the balls are really up in the air as to our next encounter.

Le sigh.

But, like I said, nothing new as of late.

v.Ho

Day Free

2006-09-01T06:45:00.000-07:00

So, these days are going by so smoothly.
It amazes me how when you just get away, you feel so refreshed.
I feel good.
Almost like I went on a real vacation.
I have been handling my own problems and getting myself out of my own slump.
I'm cool.

So, I sent D&L a message the night before.
I figured that, instead of me sitting around waiting for him to talk to me, I would take matters into my own hands.

If you do,
What you have always done,
You will get,
What you have always gotten.

So, I did it.
Sat up in my room with Bratz and constructed this eloquent message. One that I'm sure I read about twenty times before I sent. It basically highlighted interest in his career and his future goals. I was very interested-lite. My goal is to be a friend. Friends who fuck then go out is my fantasy. But, nothing more for right now. Get to know my prey before I strike. Well, I already know a little about him. We won't let him know that.

Anyway, I sent the message and waited. I went along my business and did my thing. To be honest, I was a little excited. It's normal. So, he checked the message last night around 11:00pm.

Marked: READ.

My eyes busted open like I was a character in Scooby Doo Kids. So, I waited ...

... and I waited ...

... and I waited somemore ...

... and no response.

I was looking a tad bit pressed. I will admit. WHAT? Like I said, I wouldn't let him know that. I play it cool and keep it sexy when it comes to dudes. They think that I'm usually not interested because I don't sweat them.

If only they knew right?

So anyway, I'm hoping he replies to my message. If he doesn't, I am proud I took a risk. I did something I never have done before with a dude I was feeling. I wouldn't depend on another to help me. We sitting up there like two fools trying to decipher signs and shit.

No fucking more.

My ass has no more time for that. I want the pipe in me so I need to start digging for it.

*getting my shovel*

v.Ho

Relaxation.

2006-08-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm a survivor (what),
I'm not gonna give up (what),
I'm not gon' stop (what),
I'm gonna work harder (what),
I'm a survivor (what)! - Destiny's Child, Survivor

Phone off.
It's about that time again.
The time I take a serious mental vacationa and recharge my drained batteries.
That means no communicating with my friends.
Time to commuicate with me, myself, and I for a hot second.

[Sidebar: YAY! This weeks Noah's Arc is available on iTunes. I'm a happy camper tonight.]

So, back to me, I'm feeling much better now that I took control. I've had the last two days to really re-evaluate myself.

I'm screwed up.

No reason to be feeling like this. Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. I'm human. I think my friends were feeling overwhelmed themselves. I've been a bitch on her rag for the last few weeks and judging from the fact my phone hasn't rung since I decided to take my break, I feel they needed a break too.

No biggie.

Well, I'm here with alot to say. So much thoughts and so much internet paper but nowhere to start. I said I was screwed up right? I guess we will start there. My goal is to start changing my mind from this defeating, self hating, and plain ol un-healthy way I think of myself to something more positive. It's like one minute I think I'm fabulous, while the next, I think I'm an F. I look in the mirror and see something out of whack and I'm ready to kill myself.

Changing that.

I've been writing down various affirmations and visiting different sites in my quest for growth. I found one site that helps me so much when I'm down. It is real people, asking real questions, and getting real answers. Fuck a future therapy bill when I can use that. Anytime I'm at work and I have a thirst for knowledge, I log my ass onto that site and start taking notes.

So far, I realize I'm not perfect. Striving for perfection has been holding me back for the last couple years. Well, it seems all my life. It has seriously caused me not to express myself they way I want and holding things in. I've been trying to be this thing I'm clearly not and it has been seriously holding me back. As of late, I have been looking at all my flaws and imperfections and embracing them.

I do not have clear skin but that is okay.
I'm not muscular and toned and that is okay.
I'm not a man's man and that is okay.
I like men and that is okay.
I am me and that is defintely okay.

I have been blessed in having wonderful friends. People who care. Once I start embracing what I have and working with what I got, life will go smoothly I feel. Jigga taught me that. Ka`Toi has already started me in a "Not taking myself so seriously" regiment. My biggest breakthrough is really starting to not care who thinks I'm gay thanks to Bestest Friend and Jigga. I'm starting to look at it as a compliment honestly. Having people talking is what should be my main objective. Makes me more interesting. Seeing as how a majority of gay men are attractive and artistic, why not take it for what it is? Women tend to be attracted to gay men. They ask because I'm attractive. No need to fret. No need in fighting myself in this battleground called LiFe.

Confidence is 50% what you know and 50% what you don't know. Not letting what anyone says effect you and keeping focused on your goals. Taking risks and being pro-active. Even if things don't go as planned, I will be okay. I learned something in the end and that is always positive. God doesn't put alot on your plate that you can't handle. I'm sure I'll go through more bs as life progresses BUT I am learning to stand on my own two feet and fight my own battles. I want to be a leader.

Sooner or later, you have to look at yourself and say, "Ya know what? I'm not bad."

v.Ho

Eyes Window To The Soul?

2006-08-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Do you believe this:

Oh yes, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Think of you watching a woman cross a restaurant. If you do not look away your eyes have snapped a picture of the woman in your mind and you will bring up the picture later to lust on it.

When your eyes see something you should not be looking at be swift and careful to NOT look away before your eyes have a chance to take the picture. This is the secret to controlling your thought life.

Movie Nite - EP

2006-08-26T21:18:00.000-07:00

I don't just like you,
I like you like you,
I don't just like you,
I like you like you,
Can we come together?
-Kelis, Like U

I'm lonely as hell tonight. How this came on, I don't know. Hell, maybe because I worked instead of taking my ass to the event earlier today. Everyone is out partying and my ass is in the house, watching Vivica act in some bootleg made-for-tv shit. Blah.

Also, I must interupt this following blog to cross another negro off my crush list: ~~Twists~~.

He is straight and off doing him. My ass needed to catch up and wake up.

I'm back at one ... or am I?

Intro into movie night ...

Friday night, TSH invited me over for movie night. He told me D&L was coming, which I think was a ploy to bring me over to the house. I wanted to see him. I got myself all cute and smelling good and went on over there.

So, time is going on and I finally speak up:

"So, when is D&L coming?" I asked, bored and anxious.

He tells me that he should be on his way.

Okay cool.

So, one of TSH's friends who was listening in asked who D&L was. He likes me so he was prolly trying to figure out if it was someone I'm fucking.

I wish.

We started to explain and he still had no damn clue. I finally said:

"He was the dude in the green polo shirt at the last get together."

In dramatic cunty fashion, he replied something that made my eyes open up slightly.

"Oh that guy? I think he is gay. Now, I'm not one of those gay dudes that think everyone is gay but that dude is gay. I get this feeling about him. Something I pick up. If you were to be alone in a room with him and it was the right situation, shoooooooot, he would definitely try something."

I knew I wasn't alone. I felt it too when I first saw him. I felt something. I couldn't put my finger on it but it was there. I knew him staring at me was not my imagination. I knew something was definitely up.

So, when TSH was dropping me home, I decided to probe. I only see D&L on events. He works with the man. Now, I asked him before if D&L ever fucked any of the bitches at his job and he said no and how reserved he was. He opened up about D&L more:

"Yeah, when I met D&L for the first time, I picked up on something. He might be questioning his sexuality. I picked up on something though. It was really strong. He could be. When the gay guy at my job was talking about random gay sexual things last night, I looked over at D&L's reaction and he was just quiet and listening. It was pretty strange. I think he'd be a top though."

Nigga, I'm a bottom. I mean hello?

I'm starting to really want this dude. He is exactly my type. Not a thug in the least; but not a scary bitch out the closet. He talks really proper and I like that. He has this very masculine thing going on. It gives me the fever. The Jamaican thing is what really made my curiousity got into full speed deep like throttle. My thing is, I need to come off as I'm just trying to be cool with him. I'm not going to get all shy and stupid. Not this time. I'm going to play this one cool. I can get all googly eyed in my blog because that's what it is.

My release.

I do want him though. I really do. I'll remain positive. TSH said this one final thing before I got out of his car.

"He is like a Wade (from Noah's Arc). He could be your Wade."

I nearly busted out crying, in dramatic Ka`Toi fashion.

v.Ho

Lose My Breath

2006-08-23T07:06:00.000-07:00

My doorbell rings.

Scared the hell out of me. I WAS enjoying a nice 50th viewing of my Noah's Arc DVD until I was so rudely interuppted. I usually depend on Bratz to go get the door but, she isn't at the house. She is either with one of the many hood divas she chills with.

It rings again.

Where the hell are the Wicked Bitches? I know they aren't that damn lazy.

It rings yet again.

"Okay, you know what." I say angrily, pausing my DVD, and steadily walking out and down the stairs leading to the front door. Whoever it is has violated my policy. No distractions as I eye fuck my future ex husband Wade. Wic Bitch #1 is too busy getting into her wrestling to care. It could have been the cops, with some information about Bratz and her safety. As long as Hulk Hogan, or whoever, is gettin body slammed by the script, everything was everything I guess.

I run down the stairs and open up the front door and there he was. Looking like a giant mound of dark chocolate. Dark and Lovely was at my door, looking finer than usual. His dark blue polo shirt and light blue jeans made him look like a scrump-diddly-dumtious. He had another red polo shirt underneath and had on the cleanest Air Forces I done ever seen. He truly looked like a walking Snicker's bar.

"Hi." I said, smiling shyly.

"What's up?" He replied, "what took you so long?"

"I was taking a nap." I lied. Shit, he doesn't need to know everything, feel me?

Then, it happened. It was almost like slow motion. On some gay Matrix shit.

He walked closer to me and pressed him lips gently against mine. I closed my eyes and they impromtly rolled in the back of my head. He released his lock on my lips and stood back, smiling.
"Did this negro just kiss me?" I thought. "Damn, he could have warned me."

The look on my face looked dishelved. Almost alarmed. Nothing along the lines of "I'm about to punch you " but moreso, "What just happened and why is it stopping?".

We stood there, for what seem liked an hour, just looking at each other. It was almost getting uncomfortable. Then, I did it. I felt like the Incredible Hulk or some shit. I grabbed him by his polo shirt and pulled him close. I decided to be a bold negro today. I took control, for the first time in my life with a man, and kissed him.

I opened my mouth slowly and took his bottom lip in my mouth. I sucked on it softly. I always wanted too. It looked so ripe that I needed too. I, then, bit on it and used it to pull him into my hallway.

He liked that.

By that time, his hands were travelling all over my lower body.

I liked that.

He was grabbing on my ass and holding onto my waist. He even decided to be bold and place one of his hands underneath my under carriage and stroke my wild horses. We stood there kissing like this is something we have wanted to do to each other for a long time. It started getting more intense as the minutes went by. I gripped his face because I was starting to feel weak in the knees. His tongue was starting to explore my mouth. He decided to tease me.

"Oh no brotha, don't do that shit." I thought.

He started pulling away and then decided to do quick lust pecks.

"Are you freaking mad?" I thought again.

That's when I grabbed him by the back of the head and really laid it on him. Show him who is the star of this show. The boss bottom. I used my tongue as a guide and traced a trail out of his mouth and to his earlobe. I bit and sucked on it slowly, playing with his earring in my mouth. He had a Zip Loc style grip on my ass.

I could'nt believe this was happening. I used my hands as a vehicle to explore the rugged terrain he called his body. I decided to drive my hands up and down his muscular chest, squeezing ever so nicely on his pecs. I, then, took a U-Turn and went around to his back, driving my nails on the top of his back on down. Making a detour through his rect spine and parking on his round ass.

He started pulling on the strings on my sweat pants and causing them to drop to the floor. He took his strong hands and placed them into the back of my boxer briefs and massaging around my black hole.

"My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my. my, my ...You bout to make me lose my mind up in hea ... up in hea ..." I choked.

I removed my hands from squeezing on his handful of ass and undid his belt. I pulled the belt out, undid the buttons, and placed my hands inside his pot of gold, gripping his manhood and massaged it up and down. By this time, his tongue was in my ear and my mind was on cloud 9. I wanted it and I wanted it now!

Fuck this.

I pulled my boxers down and he got the message.

"Right here?"

"No negro, right there. YES! RIGHT HERE!"

He pulled a condom out of his back pocket and pulled his pants and boxers down to his ankles. He placed the condom on, picked me up, and positioned me up agaisnt the wall. He fingered the hell out of me that my head was spinning. As he started putting his jump sized Snicker's bar inside, I kept hearing the door bell ring.

"WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!" I yelled, hanging on D&L for dear life as he kept trying to put it in. As I kept sliding my finger in and out of his mouth, the doorbell rang even more.

"Who is trying to fuck up my groove!!!!" I screamed, really about to cry.

When he finally entered ...

Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

... I woke up to the sounds of my alarm.

Maybe, I can press snooze and hope for a quickie.

Shy Guys

2006-08-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

How to tell if he likes you (and if he's flirting with you in his special own guy-way).

A lot depends on the type of guy and his individual personality.

Shy Guys
These are tough to crack sometimes...

He'll look at you, until you turn around, then boom, he's looking the other way.
You may 'feel' like he's watching you - but he's hard to catch at it
He may do something physical - like grab you in a play way, poke you, play with your hair...

(Remember when you were really young and the guy you liked punched you or tackled you?)
He may be working really hard to pay attention to you, but doesn't quite know how...

He may ask a friend of yours about you - he'll say it's just for "friend of mine" that wants to know about you.

He talks to everybody else - but when you're around he turns silent, or chokes up.

You seem to accidentally bump into him a lot of different places.

He may not say a word to you, but he shows up in the same line, at the same movie, etc.

He'll give you a little smile from across the room, but if you get near, he won't look up.

Basically - the BIG clue is that his behavior changes when you're around (compared to when he's around his buds or other girls).

DEAD Giveaway - when you talk to him he turns red.

(Bingo - you can pack that puppy up and take him home...)

http://www.links2love.com/teens_flirting_2.htm

This Too Shall Pass

2006-08-22T05:46:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing that India.Arie song blasting in my ear.

This too shall pass ... This too shall pass ...

When?

This morning, I woke up to sunny skies after a night I cried a tremendous river. Going back and forth with a friend about my future, my goals, and what I'm not doing. Of course, I went on the defense and felt the need to justify but, it came off looking like excuses. I do that alot.

Oops.

I seem to pull out an excuse when I'm about to get into trouble. In other words, I need to shut up and let folks talk. Why do I need to explain and excuse my behavior? If someone has a problem with something I'm doing, it might be best to listen. Depending on the person. Can't allow everyone to tell you what you should be doing because, when you open their door, their house is definitely not in order. I was posed a question the other day:

When does someone's opinion of you matter?

I'm still trying to figure it out. Do people really matter, whether friend or foe, when we all make mistakes and re-regret the shoulda, coulda, and woulda conga line? I'm not going to bad mouth my friends because they have my best interest at heart. I have never had that before. I'm glad I do. It just sucks when they notice your fuck ups and heave all their concerns in your direction. Something you might have been ignoring because you are in the situation head on while they are on the outside looking in.

Today, I accept what I was told and try to turn it around and make a change.

I'm the holder of my future but, I'm holding myself back. I'm not fierce. I'm just fucked. I bring the heat in areas that any regular joe could do. I'm not fabulous ... yet. Although it comes in time and experience, I have learned quite a few things that I should have applied but, somehow, I fucked up and got insecure. Uncomfortable in my own skin and in my abilities to succeed. Even ventured into suicidal tendencies because I felt worthless.

Living at a house where I'm not truly wanted
Dealing with countless image issues
Temporarily out of cash
Can't find a decent dick dealer to save my life
Feeling doomed because I'm gay, bi, or plain ol' sick of being alone
Jobs running me ragged
Insecure about my under achieving
BS ... BS .... AND OTHER B.FUCKING.S

I should be powerful but right now, I'm not.

It's okay to admit that because I'm realizing I haven't been fully applying myself to life. There is really no reason I'm not where I need to be. There is also no reason I should give a shit what people that don't genuinely love me think.

I'm not perfect and, I'm learning hard to accept that. I'm not flawless. Something I was trying to achieve in hopes someone would love me. I would fuck around and end up with Halle syndrome and depend on men to tell me I was beautiful, sexy, and whatever else to help boost my faltering self esteem. Not me. No sir. Right now, I just don't feel beautiful. I look in the mirror and hate what I see at times.

I asked God for strenght and other things to help growth and I'm getting it. God decided to enroll me in a life lesson quick, fast, and without warning.

Again ... this too shall pass ... this too shall pass ...

v.Ho

Change Is Cumming

2006-08-21T12:52:00.000-07:00

After a hell filled two weeks,
I'm ready for a new start ...
Time to get back in control.
v.Ho

Attract

2006-08-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been around someone that you didn't know and just felt drawn to them?

In this gay life, does that mean we are picking up on something subconciously?

Don't confuse that with being attracted to someone and just liking how they look or act. I'm talking about that deeper connection. You don't know this person but something is pulling you to them. Kind of like a magnetic lasso. Only thing is ... they are supposedly straight.

Are they really?

Alot of gay people have a nasty habit thinking that every person they meet, they must be gayer than Clay Aiken's LV tote bag. This is not always the case. Although we fantasize about fine people being gay, chances are, they might not be. Sometimes, we have to accept that instead of flying off the handle because the person we thought was gay turned out to be straight.

Been there; done that. Will not go through that mental anguish again.

So, what is it? Can I get a break down from my gay folks?

Is it that "gaydar" I hear that only family possess?

To be honest, my gaydar has never really worked. Bestest Friend's is on point. I can't understand why mine is so rusty. Even Jigga, who is a straight woman, has a good dar. Did my break or loose signal? I just don't understand but I will admit that sometimes when a dude gets close to me, I get this feeling that I can't let go ... hence the crush begins. I usually don't crush on everyone. I might think dude is cute and would fuck him twenty times til Sunday BUT I get over it. Some dudes, I would get this inner feeling. Can't put it into words but I know it is an attraction. I might not know dude from Adam BUT it's that one thing that is unexplainable that draws me to them like a moth to a flame. I have been sitting on the train and this feeling would come over me when I see these certain random dudes. It starts with them looking at me or sneaking to look at me ... and then, the game starts.

First person that happened with was with Past. The way he looked and talked to me was almost like he was in love with me. I would relay the message through actions. He would look deep in my eyes and run his hands down my back when he gave me the dap/hug combo. I started doing it too to let him know the feeling was mutual. He would touch me and do things that made me feel funny but a good funny. To this day, I don't know if he was bi or gay but my subconcious was sure damn convinced something was right with him.

Le sigh.

I felt this same way about Security who turned out to be more confused than anything else. Straight, gay, or bi ... this fool didn't know which side of the boat he wanted to row. He is still interested in hearing who I lose my virginity too. Weird. Barely Legal also did the same but his young inexperienced ass was too scared to act on it. He was starting to turn into a bottom as the sands of the hourglass dripped slowly. D&L is starting to give me that feeling because I see him looking at me HARD at times. I often feel he tries to be in the same area as I am. He could get it any which way he likes.

Twists, sad to admit, did but it wasn't as strong. He is fine and I think thats what drew me to him but that is it. He only reminded me of Past and I think thats what made me fall but, in reality, I think he is straight. I'm a little embarrased putting to much emphasis on him but, I should have known better.

I wanted the dick. Sue me.

So, what is it really?

Gay or experienced folks ... hit up the comments.

v.Ho

Dreams Of Fucking An English/Jamaican Man

2006-08-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a crush ho.

Add that to my ho portfolio.

Along with being a virgin ho, I crush on alot of dudes.

Boy, do I ever.

Past
Twists
Security
Barely Legal

And now introducing ... Dark and Lovely.

I have effortlessly jumped from dude to dude to dude ... and manage not to recieve any penetration. That might be a good thing. At least, in God's good grace, I don't have an STD with the amount of fantasy dick I springboard from. At least these dudes I crush on are fine.

Anyway, let's get to the break down of D&L.

The first time I saw him, I was hit. Hit with high of his chocolate tai. He has a something something about him. He had the darkest chocolate skin I have ever seen on a man. What struck me is that he could dress. I love my men with a sense of style. Sloppy is not an option when it comes to who I mess with. He was wearing a red LaCoste Polo that just seem to blended with his skin tone nicely. It wrapped around him tightly like a wrapping on a Hershey kiss. His jeans were not baggy but, they weren't tight. They were just right. It hugged his butt and showed every round curvacure. Gawd, I think that is his best feature.

His face is absolutely breathtaking. He has nice bedroom eyes and even nicer lips. He has this "tear your shit up" look about him that I like. Thing about him is that he is very reserved. Not loud and obnoxious. He is pretty laid back. I think thats why the females seem to always be all over him. Thing is, I never see him come in or leave with a female. It looks like he keeps his distance. I asked TSH if he ever fucked any of the females at their job.

"No."

Now, not to say TSH knows all the business but, he usually speaks the truth. I guess. We will get into him in another time and blog.

So, back to D&L, I find him delious and my subconcious seems to think so. My dreams with D&L have been very descriptive. I find myself squirming or hugging into my pillow or lack thereof. In the dreams, we are always going out and he is really over-protective of me. Almost territorial. I vaguely remember some dude disrespecting me and him defending my honor. Me, in turn, having to hold him back from knocking this dream negro into a dream next week.

I think my dreams are due to me watching Wade going at it with Noah and wanting, almost fiending, for that. I've always wanted to feel dominated when I'm with a man. Not so much to the point he is kicking my ass all over town BUT letting my man be just that ... a man. Catering to him and reaping the rewards of love and affection. Having the title of "hubby" and giving him all my "boogina". I've clearly been watching Noah's Arc too much.

Hopefully, my dreams will come to reality.
Soon.

v.Ho
Sidebar - Ladies and Gents, that is the delicious Reggie Bush.
NOT D&L.
Look at that 8 pack I would love to get drunk off of.
Look at those arms!
He looks like he can pick you up like The Incredible Hulk by your ass cheeks and ... *cold shower*

Karmic Reproductions

2006-08-17T07:00:00.001-07:00

Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my mind's made up
And my heart is in the right place, yeah -Destiny's Child, Free
So, God found a way to make me look like the ass.

Yesterday was just that day egg was smeared all over my face. I tried to play that revenge tactic bullshit and it only proved me to be childish in the end. I had a good friend really put her foot in my emotional ass over the last days events. I even learned something in the end!

So, I ended up telling my little sister and a very close friend my special hidden secret. Bratz was in shocked. The close special friend, who we call Jigga, was also shocked but was waiting for me to spill the beans. I felt like a weight was lifted off and wanted to walk on water. Bestest Friend told me it was liberation. It was. I didn't want to hide anything to those close to me. I wanted to be free of anything that held me down with them. I wouldn't have to lie about girls, when they were boys. When a dude comes around, I can show him affection without being all distant and using the played out label, "we are just boys".

It feels good to freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...!!!!

When I went to go get a cut, Jigga and I were talking naturally and it felt good. We were having a conversation about dudes and how I should go for who I want. I hate being shy and full of random insecurities. It really doesn't help my self esteem. It makes me feel pretty worthless and not worthy of the Wade of my dreams.
That's when she said she is going to help me.
I had this good feeling come over me. One I haven't felt in a very long time. I felt like good things are going to come. Hopefully the coming will be attached to the penis of the man I lust for.

v.Ho

Things Happen For A Reason

2006-08-16T05:50:00.000-07:00

So, for those who have been reading, know I'm going through some family issues at this time.

Seems like the people I stay at temporarily are plotting heavy on a fab brotha. I don't know what to think anymore. When it's friends, it's one thing. You just draw a line through their exsistence and proceed to walk away. When it comes to family, it's another. Even though The Wicked Bitches aren't related to me, they are related to Bratz. You would think, after all the shit that has gone down, they would have my back.

Was I dead wrong or, did I forget?

I think I forgot. These bitches are fake and it's a shame my sister is the same way. Now I know. I regret being that cool adult with her and giving her a little pull on her freedom belt. I thought bonding with her would help us get closer. I didn't want to be like the adults in my past. Uptight and out of sight. As the saying goes, you give someone and inch and they take a mile. This bitch took an inch, took my car, and drove south of the border; where, she was walking the ho-stroll with the pre-adolesent hookers and pimps in Mexico City.

Picture this. Sicily. 1965 ...

No. {chuckle}. Picture this. My bedroom, around 12:00am. I was on the phone with Bestest Friend and we were talking about everything gay, when she knocks on my door. I ask her if she is going to have this attitude with me. Mind you, I should be giving the dumb duck an attitude due to her disobeying me. She answers with a short no and continues to dig through her underwear drawer. So, I ask her this:

So, why didn't you tell me that your aunts were trying to put me out? You tell your guardians but you you don't tell me?

Not even a look in my eye. Didn't even huff or puff. You would think, that if it wasn't true, she would defend herself is she was blatantly being lied on. Nope. She got her drawers and walked out. I felt the tears form in my eyes instantly. You mean to tell me that she has the audacity to be acting like this, seeing as how she violated me by bringing the ho of the block up in my room? Then, she has been smiling and acting giddy with me, knowing these bitches were going to put her brother out on the street. She comes and tells me everything else but she fails to warn me with this? I had to hear this bullshit from her guardians, WHO want to see my fail as is.

That's okay. She got her an iPOD recently, right? Well, when she tries to turn it on and that screen lock pops up on the screen, she will want to talk.
Bye bye ... bitch.
Now, onto these Wicked Bitches I live with. Turns out they were being phony. What is so hard about being truthful? Why tell a pre-teen you are planning on putting me out? Did they only use her a bait because they THOUGHT she would run and tell me? I told these bitches that my money is funny right now but that will change soon. Wicked Bitch #2 told me it was okay and to pay what I can. YET, these bitches are really talking about this shit behind my backs.
"If I have any issues, I will let you know honey."
Don't fucking honey me, ya dumb lazy bitch. When your fucking ass fell out on the stairs, I was actually concerned. I called 911 for your bum ass. I should have walked over your fat ass and went into the shower since you were beached in front of the door. When I fell out the week before because I was sick, this bitch asked me in mid-head spin if it was the drugs? Bitch, do I look like I'm on drugs to you? I might be thin but I'm not on drugs. I just have good genes unlike your Big Momma ass.
Then, it hit me today. All sorts of random shit that started making sense. Them looking me up and down my at outfits when I'm walking out the door. Wicked Bitch #2's daughter asking me this mini van that was parked infront of the house on Thanksgiving.
You slimey bitch.
This was when I wasn't working mind you. This bitch, at the dinner table, asks me if some random car parked in front of the house ON a public street was mine. I nearly cold clocked her with a hot drum stick.
I noticed alot of things back then but now, they are all making sense. These bitches are are as fake as their processed Yaki wigs they try to pass of as human hair. Remember, karma is a bitch. That official bitch. Wicked Bitch #2 is on sick leave as is. They chain smoke like Patty and Selma from The Simpsons. Hell, they are them.
{hollering out}
Anyway, I feel this will get better as the story goes on.
v.Ho

Do You Believe This?

2006-08-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

White guys are made for fun.

Latin guys are made for passion.

Asian men are made for adventure.

Black men are made for sex.
-Anon

???

Pajammy Jammy Jam - EP

2006-08-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leaving fragments of a man so broken
I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?
-Christina Aguilera, Mercy On Me

So, I'm sitting here listening to Christina Aguilera's new cd and loving every minute of it. I swear this chick sings my life to the T. She put her foot in this music. I've always been a fan of Stripped but, this CD, is on another level. She is channelling an era I've been in love with since my youth. Lina is also going to get some play tonight too.

Anyway, let's recap the PJ party.

As I laid on my bed, waiting to be picked up, I felt so nervous. I had so much thoughts flying through my head.

Who will be there?
Will it be a bust?
Will some serious eye candy be there?
Will I get hit on?

I know. I know. I was being stupid. I was exicted. I was horny. I was many things that night. So, when TSH picked me up, my ass thought it was only going to be this one dude he had to pick up. Was I in for a surprise, the car was packed. Thank God he has a bigger vehicle. Even still, my little ass was packed in tight like Mexican's on the way to work.

My original ride ... Ka`Toi ... we won't mention that .... til later on.

I noticed TSH was alll of a sudden this extra-masculine speed demon on the road. All because of some negros he was trying to impress. One of which showed how gay he was later in the party.

Message to my gay men: STOP TRYING TO BE UBER-MASCULINE AND THEN SWITCH UP TO BITCH UP WHEN YOU GET COMFORTABLE. IF YOU A LITTLE {OR ALOT} ... EMBRACE IT SWEETHEART. I'm not masculine and I'm not feminine, I'm me. Like it or leave it. I'm starting to embrace and love me. What you see is what you get and if you don't like it, you can kiss ... no deep throat ... my flat black butt.

Anyway, it reminded me of how I use to act in my "trying to fit in with the ghetto negros" days. He might need to stop that because he nearly killed us dipping and diving in between cars like he was dipping McNuggets in some honey mustard.

You drive an SUV muthafucka! Slow your crazy ass down.

So, we get to the party and was I in for a surprise. As people showed up, the less and less were they wearing pajamas. Leave it to black people to not follow dress code. Only the few of us decided to dress the theme. It seemed the white people made us look really stupid when it came to following theme. So, I sat and waited. First of all, I was waiting for Ka`Toi because she was late as hell. Not answering her phone or chirpy. Secondly, all eyes were waiting for Twists. Third, my other eyes were on the lookout for D&L (Dark and Lovely) and O (this dude looks like Omarion in the face).

D&L shows up ... without any pajamas on. Dressed like he was going to the club but GAWD, he is so damn sexy. He is this dark chocolate Jamaican brotha I've been crushing on. He is built so nice. That muscular built but not overly. Muscles lite. He is in the middle. He has a nice ass too. I swear it was bigger than what I saw that night. Maybe it was the pants he was wearing because he filled out those jeans last time. BTW, he is straight. Then again, who knows.

O shows up ... without any pajamas either. I found out he is country boy and you know how they are. He has this swagger that I find attractive. I like his voice. It's not deep but not soft. I think he is fucking this one chick I know due to their body language. YOU KNOW when people are fucking on the low, they have this look in their eyes? Well straight up eye fucking. TSH told me he has nice abs and I was actually waiting to see that ... but nothing.

Boo.

Mind you, Ka`Toi still ain't show the hell up.

What had me laughing was the supervisor fucking the new girl at their job. She came in the party with him but was all up on D&L and O.

"Ugh, what a ho." - Sanaa in Love & Basketball

Mind you, the supervisor has a girlfriend and baby at home. Also, mind you, he fucked the new girl in the car outside at the party. BUT ... that's not what had me laughing. What had me laughing is the gay guy's at the party were saying they thought the same supervisor wasn't too truthful about his sexuality.

Shit, I just met him for the first time that night and he offered me a job. Negro don't know me from Adam.

I could tell something was wrong with him. He ... was either drunk or high but he came over to me, sat down, and told me he " loved me ". Say who?

Nuff said. Let's just say if I accept that job, I might end up giving him a blow job. Not that I woudn't because he is a cutie. His hoish ways turned me off though. I noticed the first time I saw him, Twists and him had some hidden eye contact that I instantly picked up on.

More eye fucking?

Another thing that had me laughing - the random Becky, Amy, Nastasha, and Lucy that showed up (we don't know who they are still), got drunk, and half the black dudes in the party were trying to get white girl brain. Two tried hit on me but they weren't speaking anything english so that was my exit - stage left! I'm still trying to figure out what kind of alcoholic beverage was Blueberry.

Still waiting for Ka`Toi and Twists to show up actually.

So, all in all, the party was okay. Nothing to jump up and do a black flip over. I got drunk and had the worse hangover in the morning, which I didn't get in til 6 in the morning.

Party gets a: C

At least I looked fabulous. That's all that mattered.

{BTW - Ka`Toi fell asleep. I might need her to get up on her multi vitamins.}

v.Ho

What Is Sexy?

2006-08-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

Intelligence, drive and passion. Confident, but not overly so. Honesty and humor to round it all out.

“A well-formed figure is sexy; a well-formed sentence is sexier.”
- Meghan Jones

Snatched from http://www.n-retrospekt.net/

No Trust; No Love

2006-08-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day for me.

I was all set in blogging about the pajama jam recap but some other shit went down and I thought it would be best to blog that out. I'm really going down like Mary J wailed. My thing is this:

Why when things appear to start looking up, it seems that they can come crashing down at a moment's notice?

Whats up with that? Why can't things just seem to go smoothly without any flat tires or overheated engines on this ride called Life? Someone let me know ...

So, I started a new day job today. It is a cool day job answering phones all day and taking messages. Nothing to stressful and it really shouldn't be. They are paying me good money to work so, why not? I had a great day today but I could feel it in the air that something was not right. Things were going too perfect. I was letting my guard down and usually when I do that, things usually fall hard.

So, the night before, I decided to bond with my younger sibling. We will call her Bratz. You will see why when you keep reading. She is young, in her pre-teen hoodrat phase. Anyway, we have been getting closer and I thought that it would be best that I start letting her in slowly to start letting her in on my big secret. I let her watch Noah's Arc yesterday with me. I thought it would be best to let her see that there are other lifestyles out there. She liked it alot. Moreso because of Wade, but still. Anyway, I felt good last night with her. Shame that would come crashing the hell down quickly.

Today, Bratz didn't know I was coming home early today. Good thing because the surprise I got walk up in my room. She is in my room, watching an explicit deleted sex scene from Noah's Arc, and her girlfriend was laying up in my bed.

{brakes screech}

I done told that girl to stay out my room. This is about the hundreth time I done said it. She obviously doesn't listen. She and girlfriend run out my room while I'm still picking my mouth up off the floor. I didn't know who to call about my issue so I called her legal guardians about it. Bratz always comes up to me and her aunts (who we will call the Wicked Bitches of the North and South) saying how she is treated like shit and playing this sad song for us. I started to think she is just being a spoilt brat not having her way.

Lemme tell you what he tells me ...

He proceeeeeeeeeeeeeds to tell me that Bratz came to them and told them how The Wicked Bitches have been contemplating putting me out because I'm not paying them enough rent. I had to stopped the conversation because of what I was hearing.

{brakes screech again}

Was I hearing correctly? Did I just hear they were thinking of throwing my ass out on the street? Mind you, I've already talked to them both about my situation and they said that it is okay and pay what I can. I had to believe some of the shit because he was real descriptive of the amount of money I pay for rent. Something only Wicked Bitch #2 would know.

I got off the phone with him and went to Wicked Bitch #2 to find out the scoop.

She tells me she never told Bratz any of that and she would have come to me. My gut started talking. I didn't believe her. I honestly didn't. She has been known to front. I don't trust her. Wicked Bitch #1 has been giving me an attitude for no apparent reason. I've been trying to talk to the dumb bitch and she has been short with me. Before, like two months ago, she was all yapping it up with me about nothing. Now, the bitch has been ignoring me like I'm the black plague or some shit. Fuck her and her dusty ass.

Anyway, she claimed she would talk to Bratz and scold her. I'm sitting here feeling relieved like a weight was lifted off but sometimes, things aren't always that easy. Fast foward to 20 minutes ago, this little bitch bangs on my door and when I try to talk to her, she has the nerve to be giving me a bad attitude. The fuck? I didn't do shit to her but she is young so I let it slide. What got me is she is going over to her friend's house for a sleep over.

WHAT ... THE ... FUCK ...? ...?

She should be in this house with an attitude. Yet, that isn't even the case. Her spoilt ass is next door having a good ol time.

I feel betrayed by everyone right now in this section. Can I though? It sucks when you can't even trust your own family. Im starting to wonder what else Bratz has been saying. I can't even trust her as far as I can throw her anymore. Lord knows if her little girlfriend goes and tells the whole block about my DVD choices. All because her friend can't keep her damn ass out of my personal space.

I'm a little relieved at how things turned out. It is almost like God opened up the hearts of everyone around me. Showed me that I need to get on my grind a little harder than I am now. Time to really save and get these bills paid. Keep my shit to myself. Solve my own issues and keep my friends guessing what is really going on with me.

Why when you need a friend, they are never around or available?

Looks like another learning lesson for me. Time to stop being dependant on people and start to lean on myself. It is a hard pill to swallow but it is true.

I could have not have gotten no signs today and things get out of hand in the future something crazy. I would have been un-prepared to really fight the battle in the future. At least I know whats really going on. Bratz is crazy spoilt and karma will fight that battle on her own. She truly is the baddest bitch of them all. The Wicked Bitches will get what is coming to them. So will everyone else.

I'm going to let God handle this. Put all this shit in a box and hand it to him. I'm too through ya'll. Does this mean something better is on the way? I would hope. Shit.

Pray for me.

v.Ho

I'm In Love

2006-08-13T19:43:00.000-07:00

Boy, am I in love.

Even though I do not know this man, I'm loving everything about him. His eyes, his lips, his overall size on my television screen. I think every gay man should know who he is. He needs no introduction. Just look. All you need is to see his pictures and you'll know exactly who he is.

I think every bottom wants a "Wade". Well, fuck them other niggas because I know what I want. I want a Wade. I mean shit I know I want alot of men but ever since I've been watching Noah's Arc on repeat like crazy, I've been feening for a Wade. I must be a hopeless ho-antic.

A Wade can be defined like this. He isn't a thug, which is good, because I'm not one to be chasing a no good street hustling negro. I mean all they know how to do is eat, sleep, shit, and fuck ... but that's it. Hell 2 da naw. He is a black man with a job and has things to show for it. He might have been with women all his life, or even men, but he won't front on loving you and letting you know it. He is affectionate and genuinely loves you. He has his issues but he is willing to learn. He is a man's man. Love sports and is definitely a top. He just can get a little ... sen-sah-tave. Ain't no thing. As long as he doesn't bitch up like he should be walking in a house ball.

That's what I'm looking for!

Well, I'll just settle for Mister Jensen Atwood. {smile}

See, he is running to keep that body tight...

...and stopped to answer my damn call!

DJ, Would You Play Your Boy A Love Song

2006-08-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

One, two, three, kiss, that's when I know that we
Four, five, six, kiss, have the right chemistry
You don't have to hold back or be shy
I can feel you want me in your eyes
-Cassie, Kiss Me

Dark Blue Polo Pajama Set- 66.00
Dark Blue House Slippers- 25.00
Chocolate Scents- 40.00
Being an expensive walking Snicker's Bar at TSH's P-Jammy Jam-Priceless

So, tonight, another one of TSH's parties go down. Hopefully, I can get the oppurtunity to get down.

TSH is celebrating his birthday in style. He is throwing a fabulous pajama party at his house. Hopefully black fo'k follow the dress code and show up wearing their best night clothes. I hope the dudes show up in wife beaters and sweats that show ever curve and bulge. I will be the one to take a picture!

Although all the dudes cumming are labelled "straight", you can't help but hope one might be curious and wants to be curious on your ass. I've heard stories and I hope I can be successful in getting the good looking "straight" dude at a straight party. Shit, it would be nice because TSH has some fine ass male associates. They are something sexy. Nice bodies and just ... nice to look at it.

One person on the schedule to show up is ... Twists. I wouldn't lie and say I wasn't excited to see him. I'm more than excited but I'm trying not to experience that emotion, although it is very hard. This is where I start getting myself into trouble. Setting myself up like I did last time when I saw Ka`Toi talking to him and then he left right afterwards. Spent my entite nigh.... Ya know what, not even trying to relive that madness.

My problem is I start setting myself up for disappointment EARLY ON in the game when I'm going to an event.

I know I haven't been the only one who has done this.

At the party or whatever, I can't seem to just go enjoy myself. Thing is, I can unless a dude I'm feeling is there. Or, I see a dude I'm feeling and he totally ignores me or I expect him to flirt with me. When he doesn't show me attention or do something that is suspect, my night is shot. I'm sick of that. Thinking to fucking much. That is not the trait of the divo I want to be. I want to go to a party and concentrate on having a good ass time. Not sitting there wondering why I'm not getting hit on. Not a good look. Makes my self esteem look all fucked up. It also looks desperate and self absorbed. I want to embodie these lyrics:

No no not me
Don't wanna be in love
I just wanna be single and fabulous
Fine independent man
It's my time
The last thing on my mind
Is committing to some guy
Too much that I need to do
And I'm sorry to say but the list don't include you
And don't you say I didn't tell you what it was a first
Look at the situation
Take it for what its worth

Yes I like it
But I don't need it (I don't wana be your boyfriend)
Cause' I like it
Don't mean I need it (I don't wana be your boyfriend)

That is what I'm talking about. Just meeting people, enjoying their friendship, and if anything happens from there then it happens. I jump ahead 6 blocks of the game board and have to end up renigging my feelings because I fucked up. I'm absoloutely working on being through with that. I do get lonely but I have to stat telling myself that I need to be alone. It's just not my time. Spend my time becoming harder and stronger.

We will see.

v.Ho

Okay ..

2006-08-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Talk about a shitty situation.

168 Hour Blue

2006-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

I'm out of ideas. My life, right now, is as boring as watching Ka`Toi painting the walls of her new apartment.

No offense. I''m just not with it.

Anyway, when I was working everyday, I felt great because I was just doing something, ya know? Well, two weeks ago, I finished one assignment and now, I'm waiting for another and I feel like my life is going by so slowly. It's like I'm in a boat without any oars. Just floating on and on and on til, hopefully, I hit land. Whenever that will be, I don't know but Ima need that gust of wind to blow me in the right direction.

Aside from that, my face is at an all time mess. I don't know if its because of the heat or subconcious stress but I have broken out. It might not be as bad as I'm making it out to be but, when I look in the mirror and see three or four un-explained mountains on my face, I get a little un-easy. It seems like I've been suffering with acne since my teenage years. I'm about sick of not being able to have clear smooth flawless skin. I'm trying to achieve that type of skin that looks as smooth as a babie's ass. Then, to make matter's worse, I got razor bumps. They are going away slowly but I truly need them to put a pep in their step. This is one of those ugly weeks ... seriously.

Then ... an uninvited guest is in my room. Motherfucking Stuart Little has moved his little ass in. How he got in here, I honestly don't know. All I know is he needs to get the fuck out!

I hate mice. I despise mice. I'm a bitch when it comes to mice.

It never fails when I'm about to go to bed, I hear that little bitch diffing through my trash or walking through something. I feel like moving out all my shit to the nearest hotel and hiring an exclusive exterminator to get the motherfucker out. Then, I wake the fuck up huh?

Baby Cham sounds sexy on his new CD. Jamacian's are sexy when they aren't acting all insane. That was a random sidebar though. What? I had to mention dick up in here somewhere.

Real talk: I think in every gay man's exsistence, he wishes he wasn't gay. Either be straight or have a vagina. One or the two. Make it easier. When you are gay and you look at these men, you get slapped with the rejection of:

1) they are bottoms and you are a bottom
2) they are superfical and you just ain't it
3) they just ain't gay
4) they are too undercover for their own good

I swear this lifestyle sucks like a fat dick, one of which I had right about now. It's not as easy as television makes it out to be. You can live a very lonely life and be forced to accept that. It's never fun to see men you would love to date but be put in your place by a very brutal reality. I haven't had a good gay lead since earlier this year. He was a short little spanish fuck that had more talk than Maury. I was ABOUT to lose my virginity with the stupid fool but my intuation stopped me dead in my tracks. We dry humped, he came, I didn't, I told him leave and I never heard from him again. Not that I cared because he smelled like spanish beans PLUS he was one of those in-suh-kure "tops".
I put those quotes for a reason. They wants to drive you crazy because he feels you will out him. Uh, no senor. You will do that for the both of us ... with his paranoid ass. Please.

My good dicks were last year. Even though they didn't work out, at least I was dating. I can't seem to find one damn date THIS year. Just dudes I were interested in and never saw again.

Le Sigh.

I remember a time in my life I wasn't looking or even thought I was good enough to date. I stayed to myself and did my thing. I was lazy as hell and stayed in my room all day but the point is, I wasn't looking. Now, I'm a dick fiend. I don't know why. MY ASS NEVER HAD IT BEFORE! I think it's the case that I've accepted I like men so now, I want a man.

I feel like fucking Carrie from SATC. Christ.

So, this week is not going well for me. I'm going to TRY to think positive. Maybe things will change.

v.Ho

Ride Em Cowboy

2006-08-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Pretty self explanitory.

Dreaming of A Better Reality.

2006-08-05T07:28:00.000-07:00

So, as we all know, dreams can be a sign from your higher spirit. I actively seek out the clues that always seem to pop up in my dreams. I got a few last night that helped me understand something. The clues went like the following:

Phone
Rain
Wet
Old car
Kissing
Guy

Sounds like the making for a porno ... but not really.

So I went to dreammoods.com and went to work.

The phone signifies a call from my higher spirit, confronting an issue, and having to let it go.

Rain signifies being soon cleansed of troubles and issues.

Being wet means being drenched in emotions.

The old parked car meant: to be needlessly spending your energy in a fruitless endeavor. Alternatively, a parked car my symbolize your need to stop and enjoy life. To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.

Kissing means to start loving myself.

The random men I was kissing and making out with, with no recognizable faces, meant my need and want to be in a relationship and my image of the ideal man.

So this was my breakdown:

I really need to just focus on myself and stop putting so much focus on trying to find that right man. When I let go of the deafeating thoughts and just live for me, then he will come. I seem to be de-tracting men because even though it's not written on my face, my energy is desperate. I want this ideal man and even though it is possible, it just isn't possible RIGHT NOW.

Sounds about right. There was a point I wasn't looking for anyone and I felt great. It was about 3-4 months ago. All of a sudden, I met 3/4 dudes I lust after. I think I got so caught up in trying to get them that I lost my focus somewhere down the line.

Time to get back into that frame of mind and stick to it.

v.Ho

Bad Nite; Fine Ass Men

2006-08-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

I'm fucking doomed tonight!

I must be at an all time level of horny tonight. Geez. I've already masturbated a fabulous 8 times tonight. Am I going to go for a 9th?

Here is my latest iKandi:

Safe to say, I'd have him fuck me with and without the suit on.

I'd have him bend me over a washing mchine, without our pants down to our ankles. Him grabbing onto my neck and ramming himself so effortlessly into me.

He can fuck me cowboy style ... as long as he wears the hat!

Time to go ... relieve myself.

v.Ho

I Fucking Swear ...

2006-08-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know how much I'm praying for God to bless me with a best friend that gives me more than a shoulder to lean on, right? Well, let's say I get that best friend and one day, he decides to take off his shirt and all I saw was this:

I swear ... I fucking swear ... I'd always be on my back, side, or on all 4s with no issue!!!!!! I'd even try to be on the damn ceiling if needs be, you hear me!

Mercy! Look at the bugle. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh ....

v.Ho

Ka`Toi's Crush.

2006-08-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Your a bravebird
Of the rarest kind
You may be one of the walking wounded
But still you fly.
- Bravebird, Amel Larrieux

Okay, so Ka`toi got everything she wanted. All because of me and I felt great doing it.

Backstory: TSH, his friend, Ka`Toi, and I were driving around. She made the suggestion we drive by her crush's house, Darling. This was a 5 year crush. So, we been driving by his house like some stalkers the last couple of weeks, hoping he would be outside. Obviously, it was a dumb idea. I will not lie and say we were using our brains at that time.

Anyway, when we drove by the house, I told TSH to stop the car. Ka`Toi was looking shocked as hell! The look on her face was priceless. I asked TSH to come with me to the door. I didn't know what I was in for so I didn't want to go alone. We were in the middle of the damn ghetto. Hell no. So, we get to the door, a lady opens. My first thought was new bitch but after we talked to her, she revealed that she was his sister. Whew for Ka`Toi (but wait til later on in this story).

So after alot of jokes and letting this woman warm up to these strange men on her porch, she finally tells us that dude doesn't like there and she hasn't heard from him in two weeks ... but, she has his phone number. As I'm motioning for a suddenly-shy Ka`Toi to get her ass out the car, she dials Darling's number. TSH's friend finally pulls Ka`Toi out of the car and she walks up to the porch. She gives Ka`Toi the phone and old girl nearly falls down the stairs. She was gasping for air and couldn't find the right words. It was cute but funny as hell. So they talked, exchanged numbers, and we went on our way.

Fast Foward.

So, they talk and try to hook up to go out. He can't because he had to pick up his momma. Not a good excuse in my gay man's handbook. Ka`Toi actually went to town on her outfit. She looked real nice and had her shit on point. So, he calls her a day later to tell her that he had to pick up his niece from NYC. Another bad move. Then, to add insult to injury, his girlfriend calls her to find out who she was to Darling. He told her that Ka`Toi was his cousin that just came into town. Did I also mention that he now has two kids from a seperate baby momma?

Aint that a bitch?

5 years ... for this? A lying dawg with an over active penis? Are crushes just for fantasy really? I feel sorry for Ka`Toi. She did get her closure but she didn't get her man. A man that when we first started re-connecting, she cried long hard tears for on the phone on late night. I'm so damn angry that it didn't go well and the outcome wasn't the fairy tale happy ending.

I started thinking about Past and Twists. I crush on them hard but is it only a fantasy. Is all that glitters really not gold? Should I keep my head up high and live my life without putting so much emphasis on him? I really like Twists alot but I doubt anything will come from it. Past is just that. I wonder, like Darling, if you only have one chance to go after your crush when the situation permits itself?

Madea was right ... some of these folks come into your life for a season or a reason ... the right one will be in your life for a lifetime.

I have faith I'll get my lifetime.

v.Ho

I Saw A Dude Today ...

2006-08-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

... and he was CUTE as hell.

Yes, he sure was. Bless him for being so damn attractive. He was wearing some roll out of bed dark grey sweats, black Boston fitted, nice sneakers, and a black tee with some design on the front. I won't lie and say he didn't turn me the hell on. I liked his masculinity. I feel I'm attracted to masculine borderline straight looking men. I hate that because I feel it isn't possible. I try to remain positive but it gets hard. Anyway, he was playing with his Sidekick. I couldn't stop looking at his ass. I was almost in awe. He was exactly my type. Aren't they always? I swear when you are a virgin, all good looking men look scrumptious. He reminded me of this dude here:

Exactly my type. Look at his lips. His style. Geez. Not thuggish and not too much of a pretty boy. Just right. I'm just sick of not getting a lead on the type of dude that I'm looking for. It really gets frustrating and I will not lie, I'm lonely.

Am I wrong to just want a special friend that's like a best friend? Not a dude to get into a relationship with. A dude that I can chill with, talk too, and fuck with when needed. Somebody to be like Bestest Friend or Ka`Toi but in a masculine package and without a vagina, that I'm attracted too. Someone that I can lean on when I need them. Someone that can be that masculine energy I need. Someone to take care of me. We all need one of them. We would be lying if any gay men searching says otherwise.

Sometimes, I can't reach Bestest Friend. Sometimes, Ka`Toi can't understand what I'm dealing with in this lifestyle. Sometimes, I imagine the type of dude I'm talking about. My idea of a best friend. No one understands me when I mention this particular dude. They say I'm in denial. Fuck that. I just know what I want.

Do I need to do voodoo for this?

v.Ho

J as in Journey

2006-08-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

There is a place you can go without ever leaving. A space so other than here that it'll be the one spot you'll always return to.And it won't need to be talked about or reported on at all, to anyone.....But first you must know that YOU are the one that matters. You doing you, is the point of it and knowing just that.The one thing as a brother of color I really want to do is tell you and have you believe, that you are of worth. Stronger and more able than you know. And not just now, but now and forever.

Take a minute and find a spot to read the following out loud:

I am capable;
I am worthwhile
I am beautiful;
I am lovable;

I shall accept both my strengths and my weaknesses for they are me.
I shall never again believe the "lie" that if I make a mistake I am a mistake.
My mistakes are the learning tools that I shall encounter on my life journey.

When I learn from my mistakes, I give them meaning.
When I give my mistakes meaning, I begin to forgive myself; I begin to heal.
I shall not use my mistakes as excuses to give up on me - my mistakes are not me.
I shall seek the wisdom to nurture my heart, my mind, body and soul
so that I may feel more centered.

* Providing an energy reserve that allows me to climb the mountains in my own life.

* Providing an energy reserve that allows me to love and support others who are climbing a different mountain.

* Providing an energy reserve that allows time for friends, play and celebration of life. I shall allow myself to feel capable so that I may seek excellence...

I shall allow myself to feel sadness so that joy may return
I shall allow myself to feel joy so that I may be revitalized
I shall allow myself to feel afraid so that I may find courage
I shall allow myself to feel beautiful so that I may feel free
I shall allow myself to feel free so that I may feel lovable
I shall allow myself to feel lovable so that the loving may seek me
I shall allow myself to feel pain so that I may heal
I shall allow myself to feel worthy so that I may fulfill my purpose

When I am centered, I see the perfection in the world, myself and others.
When I find the world to be imperfect, I will take responsibility forpainting it that way.
I will look into the heart of a rose or the eyes of a newborn baby and again know perfecton.
I take responsibility for creating my own life story through the choices I have made to blame others is to give away my personal power

Who will I allow to write the next Chapter of my life?
I seek the courage to believe in a GOD or higher power who will laugh with me in the sunlight or cry with me in the darkness. I shall make a small difference on this planet through the work I do and when I leave I will have done my share I shall live, love, laugh and learn on my journey.

Jacked again from http://troynotorious101.blogspot.com/

v.Ho

Taking Notes

2006-08-04T01:16:00.000-07:00

Jacked this from http://troynotorious101.blogspot.com/:

11 Things You Can Do To Pick Up More Gay Men

Start Picking Up Men Now!

Stop letting your appearance be an excuse to hide.Have you ever seen a super-hot guy wander off with someone you wouldn't give the time of day? That's because the art of seduction has a lot more to do with social skills than with naked physical attraction. It's not 30 pounds you need to lose to pick up more men its your inner fears.

1. Approach a lot of guys. To get started in the pick-up game, you need to go where gay men are and learn to approach them. And not just one or two guys, but many guys. If you can't strike up a conversation, you don't have a chance to pick up and eventually seduce someone you're attracted to. Don't hesitate.Nothing conveys indecision and nervousness like hesitation.

2. Learn some approaches. An approach is an excuse any excuse to start a conversation with someone:How do I get to Hyatt Hotel? Or There's some lint on your collar. Or Say hi. Forget pick up lines likeI want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. They're phony, convey too much sexual interest, and leave you no place to take the conversation.

3. Have a opener. Once you've exchanged a few words develop openers or standard conversational ploys that will attract your target. Try something startling: That wasn't your car on fire in the parking lot, was it? Or, Did you see those two guys fighting outside? Or get an opinion: Hey, can I ask you a question? What's the best way to get revenge on an ex? This guy I know... Develop your opener into a little routine by adding vivid details (One fireman was so hunky that) Get your target involved and keep him engaged until he gives signs of starting to relax. Sometimes it helps to give the opener a time constraint so that he thinks you'll shortly be on your way (I've got to go find my friend, but...)

4. Learn disinterested interest. Keep him off balance when he suspects you' re trying to pick him up. This allows time for his attraction to develop. Keep talking in a friendly way while pretending you're not really that interested sexually.

5. Don't compliment- neg. Since compliments (I love your smile!) give away your attraction, throw them in the dust bin with the pick-up lines. Instead, learn to neg. Negging is the art of giving a half-compliment, setting up a dissonance in your pick-up target. Examples: I love your smile are you wearing braces? That's a nice shirt, did you get it at the outlet mall? I've never seen hair like that before. The neg should always sound friendly and positive and only subliminally be insulting. Negsexcite your subject by sending contradictory signals spinning in his brain and creating excitement he will be intrigued to resolve.

6. Demonstrate your social value. When you meet a guy, don't stop talking- just stop talking aimlessly. Learn to be funny and entertaining and cast yourself in a positive light in the stories you tell. Tell him about the time you went camping and scared away the bear, or how great your new gym routine is making you feel. Talk about ex-boyfriends or hang a friend around your shoulder to demonstrate that others think you're attractive. In other words, give him enough ammunition to justify an attracted toward you. Once an attraction develops, you'll see the signals in his eyes and body language.

8. Touch. Without touching there is no sex. To get the ball rolling, touch early and often. Make sure your touches are sensual and motivating, not crude sexual pawing. Examine his cool wristwatch. Flatten his mussed-up collar. Slap away his too-familiar fingers. Read his palm. Test his kiss-ability quotient. Your fleeting touches will leave him begging for more.

9. Isolate, move, develop rapport. At some point in the evening, he may end up in your bedroom. You can accelerate the process by leading him to a neutral location away from his friends.

10. Continue developing rapport and sexual interest. Invite him to a quiet corner of the bar, outside for a breath of air or to a nearby pizza place. Then invite him back to your place.

11. Make him a sexual co-conspirator. It takes two to tango. Back at your pad, ask him to pick out some soft music, or turn down the lights, or massage your back. Let him be your partner in setting up the sex scene. You might both be surprised by what develops naturally. Make him feel at ease and develop things naturally.

-No, I haven't tried any one of these but don't they make you think how does one become that twosome, what's the glue to make that stick...Maybe you know the answer.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Worth a try right?

v.Ho

X off THE list.

2006-08-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

When the whole world's turnin left
It's when I'm going right
I need someone to let me be
Just who I am inside.
-Rihanna, A Girl Like Me

So much to talk about. So much damn time. I wish this girl would stop calling my damn phone asking me to buy her some liqour. Get your underaged ass home and eat some corn chips.

So, I won't be seeing Security as much, if not ever, because I left the building he worked in. I called him yesterday to say hello and it was very brief. I doubt we will connect. So cross him off my list.

~~Security~~

It was great while it lasted. Shit, I miss the job mostly. I miss getting up and going there to be quite honest. The pay was good and my bosses and co-workers were nothing short of fabulous. Although I did nothing, I saw alot of potential in growth. But, I knew I would get too comfortable. Something I'm not trying to do really. It's going to be hard but I will defintely keep it moving to the next.

Barely Legal seems to be off my list too. It makes no sense to even pursue that because let's face it, he is leaving. He is going to college at the end of this month. He is probably not going to break out of his shell and, to be honest, I'm not going to force him. He is still young. He is only 18. Hell, just turned 18 at that. He isn't man enough of me yet. He is still a young thing PLUS he is hairy. I thought the chest hair was sexy but I hurrred he has severe back hair. I can only imagine what his fat ass looks like. Looking like the back of a boar's ass. Can't do it. So scratch him off my list:

~~Barely Legal~~

I thought I would be sad but experience is a great teacher. If they have to walk out of my life, let them. I'm not going to chase no dick into loving me. Been there with Past and the other idiots and I refuse to do that again. I'm too damn cute to be chasing after a man. Puh-fucking-lease.

I did go out with Lil Brotha and it seemed every dude was looking at me. He was pointing out men left and right but I just couldn't see it until I started paying attention. I don't get it. I'm by myself and not a man in sight but with Lil' Brotha, they were everywhere. Looking at me and trying to make eye contact. The hell? Weird enough, the fine ones were out the day too.

Lawd, can I be blessed? LOL Geez.

v.Ho

Trouble.

2006-07-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Ka`Toi is my friend. Truly.

v.Ho

"Can I Take Your Order?"

2006-07-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

... I'll take this masculine dish with a side of "all mine" with a cup of "love me long time". Thanks.

This Is One Of The Reaons I Want To Kill Myself

2006-07-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

These are the kind of dudes that are dangerous. Now, after this excerpt from Frank Leon Roberts (http://brooklynboyblues.blogspot.com/), I know my love life takes another deveasting hit.

Introducing the (Straight) Male Fag Hag

(True story: Yesterday I hung out on the set for an album photo shoot for an upcoming male music artist (I wont name, names). I was invited by a good friend who is a professional fashion stylist and happened to be covering the costume designs for this particular project. During my time at the shoot, I couldn't keep my eyes off of this one fine ass dude that kept staring at me the entire time. Clearly he was cruising. After the shoot was over, the dude came over and introduced himself for the third time (the first two times that he introduced himself to me took place within the first ten minutes of me arriving) and asked me where I bought the particular jeans I had on. After I told him, we slowly eased our way into a conversation about everything from gay politics to black music, and anything in between.

Before I got ready to bounce I asked my stylist friend if he'd mind if I got the dude's number. "Why?", my friend asked. "Frank, he's straight as an arrow. He's just a big fag hag". Shock. Sadness. Disbelief. "Not another one!" I thought to myself.

What is it about these hot ass "straight" men that "pass" as gay in their social settings? The black gay man in me couldnt help but together a little laundry list of "characteristics" for what I want to call the "male fag hag." Work with me here, I think we might be on to something.

Characteristics of the Straight Male Fag Hag
Based on extensive field-work, observation, and lived experience

* He is hot. In fact, he's probably a model, or just looks like one.

* He's "straight", but enjoys gay men hitting on him.

* He goes out with his gay male friends to clubs like STONEWALL and KRASH because straight clubs dont play house-music.

* He graduated from any of the following schools:
Vassar, Sarah Lawrence, Oberlin, NYU (Gallatin or Tisch division), Bard, Deep Springs, Brown or Wesleyan.

* He subscribes to any of the following magazines: Details, Complex, Trace.

* Like his female fag-hag counterpart, he actively seeks the advice of gay men for dating tips on the opposite sex (or so he says).

* He bartends at Luke & Leroy.

* He desperately needs to be the center of attention in any and every social setting.

* Unlike Tyra Banks, he knows that calling someone or something "fierce" is NOT a compliment.

* He's "straight" but he likes to collect guys' numbers at the clubs just to make his friends jealous.

* He attends The Latex Ball each year just to "spectate".

* He is at his absolute cutest when he tries to speak "gay talk".

* Case in point: you've just broken up with your boyfriend and you're feeling a little down. Straight Male Fag Hag tells you that your ex was "tired" and to "just pay it."

* He takes a special interest in befriending your worst enemy.

* He's a journalist/host for a show on MTV or VH1.

* He tells his gay friends he "wishes he was gay."

* He doesnt mind doing a cover-shoot for Flavalife.

* He hates the term metrosexual. He says it "doesnt apply" to him.

* He met most of his high school friends in the Drama Club or All State Choir.

* He never uses the term "Fag". Naturally, he prefers to use "homosexual".

* He brings his gay male friends home to mom. Mom is thoroughly confused and suspicious as to why he does this.

* Everyone, including you, is still convinced that he's probably gay after-all.

WHAT DID I MISS? HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN A STRAIGHT-MALE-FAG-HAG?

*********

I'm fucking doomed.

v. Ho

Sometimes.

2006-07-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I had it all.

I would often sit and wonder why I wasn't blessed like the other gay boys who were stunningly good looking. The ones who have that insane sex appeal. The ones who always have an experience with those men I often lust after. Getting taken on trips. Being whisked away to different parts of the world. Having to never really lift a finger but still independant. I know I should love me but I would LOVE to be that. I suffer from bouts of low self esteem. It seems to be at an all time high this week. I feel like gunk at the bottom of a dirty aquarium. I wish I could look like the male version of Beyonce. I know that sounds weird but it's true.

Can I be honest in my blog? Shit. Let me explain.

I don't want to look like the exact replica of Miss B but, moreso, stunningly good looking. To the point, I attract both sexes HARD. I do a little but but lately, I haven't had even so much of a picture look at me. I know I'm contridicting myself a little. I just feel that if I was stunningly beautiful, I would have it easier when it comes to men. I would have gotten with the fione downlow/undercover/gay men I dream about long time ago. Is it because:

I don't have a fat ass.
I'm rather lanky.
I have mild acne and some razor bumps.
My teeth aren't straight

I just don't get it sometimes. I admire those gay boys that seem to have it all. I know seaweed looks brighter in another pond but still. I hate when people make me out to be some weirdo because I do this. I look at others. I sometimes get envious. Shit, I sometimes cry. I know others have done it too. It is all part of the growing phase. This is my growing phase. Where God puts me through a test where he puts big ass glasses on my eyes and zooms everything in xs 15 so it appears better than it looks. It also zooms into my flaws and tries to let me accept them so I can move on. This is normal in an insecure man's life. I hate feeling like I'm shit because I go through this.

FUCK U!!

That was for those uptight assholes reading this, scoffing because I'm having a tantrum. My house may not be in order right now but that is o -fucking- kay. At least I'm being honest with myself and sharing a part of myself that I keep under lock and key.

Punk.

Continuing on a later date...

Running On Empty/Security Opens Up

2006-07-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

In the words of a broken heart
It's just emotion that's taken me over
Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul
-Bee Gees, Emotions

So, I'm emotional today. I think my male rag is here.

So, I found myself praying to God for strenght and all that other good stuff. So you know the tests are coming. I've had to deal with being talked about, being gay and others suspecting, and other bullshit. I find that when shit hits the fan, I usually call my friends to help clean up the mess. I've been going through alot of emotional bullshit lately and I cannot find one friend. They call but it is very sparatic. If I call them, no answer. I can't blame them because they have lives and problems too. I can't put all my burdens in them. I think God is really putting me through Thick Skin 101.

I really need that strenght from inside. I need to be stronger. Even though today, my soul is broken, I need to keep the tears in. I want to be that confident man instead of that weeping whiny mess. I need to do it on my own instead of relying on people. The issues I'm dealing with now, I think it would be best if I keep them to myself. No calling them out the blue and having two hour discussions on what I should do. Hell, I can't find their asses anyway. When I do reach them, I will ask them for suggestions but learn to follow my heart. I seriously need to work on my own shit.

Onto Mr. Security.

I called him because I needed advice on an issue I was having today. I wasn't to clear with the issue but he asked:

Did you fail an HIV test?

Clowning. Me, being extremely bold today for no odd reason, decided to tell him that I'm still a virgin and it would be might hard to fail that test with no penetration ... ever. He got all stumbled with his words. I swear he nearly dropped the phone. He proceeds to ask me:

Are you gay?
Do you prefer the male side or the female side?

I was shocked. Not really, but pushed off my guard a little. I told him that:

I don't do labels. I do me.
Why does a man have to be gay if he is still a virgin?
I thought he was cool and figured I'd be honest about my virginity.

He was shocked because I always talked like I had sex. Good move for me. I'm glad I came off believeable. He couldn't tell that I was gay or straight because I always made a reference to women. He mentioned he was observing me for a while and something wasn't right. He couldn't tell if I liked girls or boys and thought I hit on him a few times. I, then, proceeded to bring his head down by telling him that I don't hit on people, they hit on me. He then goes on and tells me how he thinks I'm still cool even if I was gay. I took that as a compliment really. It was like a snail peeking out of it's shell after a rain storm. What was a boy to do?

I ask him if he was bi later on him conversation:

Hell no! Do I look like I would be bi? Psssh.

"Uh, yeah. That's why I asked," I thought.

Very unsure of himself actually. Thats what I observed. He tells me he has gay friends, keeps the open ones to a minumin, and has gotten kissed by three dudes. He plays it off by saying that he punched one dude, didn't explain the second, and the other was a sneak kiss at a party. I asked myself what kind of party, straight party at that, would a guy kiss another guy without a fiasco ensuing?

I took it upon myself to tell him that in my experimenting days, I kissed a dude before ... and it tasted like chicken. In mid-revelation, I noticed he was quite. Almost listening to my words carefully. When I busted out with the chicken bit, he was almost pissed like I didn't say the kiss was so good, it turned me out.

He ain't fooling no one.

He might be only fooling himself. He likes me but knows it might be wrong. He kept telling me he has alot of diverse friends and alot of gay ones. Almost like he was confessing himself to me but trying to stay straight SINCE I didn't actually flat out say I was gay.

I feel these next two weeks will be QUITE interesting.

I'm still beaming that I had him confused though. I'm glad I still have people talking!!! Could be a reason I'm still single. Men can't tell and they give up and go onto the next. They are forced to get to know me but even then, I put them to work.

v.Ho

Divo Stylings/Job BS

2006-07-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm down to earth like this
Rockin this business
I've grown up so much
I'm in control and loving it
Rumors got me laughing, kid
Love my life and my public
Put God first
Then can't forget to stay real
To me it's like breathing
-Jennifer Lopez, Jenny From The Block

So, I'm a divo.

What's that you ask? It's the male diva. Plain and simple. If you don't know what a diva is, I will glady hand you a Websters. I will admit that I am very spoilt. I will also admit that I am a little bit concieted. Nothing to crazy. What I will not admit to is being a divo. To me, you need everything to be that.

CAR
HOUSE
ILL CAREER
SUPREME CONFIDENCE
TAKE NO SHIT ATTITUDE

I am defintely not at that place yet. I will be. Anyaway, for right now, I'm a divo jr. I'm building my character from the ground up. I have the dressing down to a T. I love to dress my ass off. I have my own style and I love it. Attitude is like an on/off switch. Working on that presently.

I didn't have alot growing up. Having to compete with a cousin was hard. I didn't get the nice clothes like he did. I had to fight for attention and that stuck with me. I think thats why I compare myself so much to others. A habit I'm seriously trying to break. I'm at the point where I know I'm a bad brotha, being where I'm at and where I came from, but I don't feel it running through my veins fully. That's why I start getting so depressed and repressed. I became my own worst enemy doing that shit. I'm growing through. All my friends seem to have the diva-esque quality to them. Ka`Toi kills me when she gets into diva-mode. Bestest Friend is a divo his damn self. Gay, proud, and living loud, you hear me! I only like strong people on my team. I'm climbing up to meet them at the top so we can use our powers to rule!

Onto my work drama.

So, at work, I went to my boss and let her have it because I have no damn hours to spare this week. 10 hours. Are you freaking mad? They were being quite cheap with their hours. I had to let her know about it. She started going on and on about these other folks and what they do wrong and I had to stop her and ask her to tell me what I'M doing wrong. Fuck the next niggah that works at that job. She tells me I sometimes come in with an attitude and I look like I have alot on my mind. I don't have to smile like a giddy idiot up and down this job. Just because I'm not smiling, doesn't mean I have an attiude. Just means, I'm not smiling. Dumb bitch.

I do, to be quite honest. It is a great job without her extra ass yapping in my ear to get this and that from customers. Having panic attacks and shit. Darling, I get paid 8.50 an hour. This is my part time job. Get with it. If we don't get what the management is looking for, then we don't get hours. Fuck you. That's first and foremost. She then tells me that I start having my diva sessions. Damn right I do so fuck you again. I like to ask questions. Something her ass, as a manager, doesn't like. So, I can screw up this job, not ask a question, and hear her mouth.

So, I had to let her know about herself and the job.

She is one of the main offenders at the job. She is the type of speak all this and that does the opposite. Gossiping about co-workers and all this crap. After I had my "divo session" on her ass, she now kisses my ass, as I knew she would, but I don't trust her. Her smile is very fake towards me. Couple weeks ago, she was a snooty asscunt and now she is all rubbing up on my shoulders and rambling on about random shit. Bitch please. Who you think you fooling? Judas kissed Jesus before he betrayed his ass.

She is leaving soon anyway. I still got to deal with the cabbage patch looking bitch when she gets back from Italy next week. Her "I've been here for 14 years" boasty ass. I wouldn't be too proud of that my dear. Not to becoming.

Whoa is me huh? Yet, I can't understand why anyone would call me a divo.

v.Ho

Pancakes and The Past

2006-07-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

If you suck dick,
Put your hands in the air!
If you suck pussy,
Put your hands in the air!
If you feel horny,
Put your hands in the air!
If you just want to get fucked,
Put your hands in the air!
-Bizarre, The Big Black (Studio 54 Edit)

Dinner With Ka`Toi

So, we went to iHOP. Ate and talked. We started talking about a little sickness I have called Being Judged. Sad contridiction I go off and on from. She says I have two sides: the emotional and the divo. Divo when I'm comfortable and in a state of happiness. Emotional when I'm searching for a man and hating who I am. Who am I, at what time, is the question on my friend's minds. Why can't I accept myself and be that confident divo that tells folks about themselves and who and how to fuck, but, knows his feelings and can control them? Why is it a different person with different people? Almost like a damn spy.

I don't know when it started but it has been affecting my life since my early teens. Maybe even before. I was the boy all the other boys thought was a faggot. Even though I was quiet and kept to myself, they teased me something terrible. I would go home and cry long crocodile tears because some big mean straight boy said I acted like a sissy. It traveled with me all throughout life. Trying to justify my sexuality even though I was fighting the gayness deep inside. It was almost like I didn't want anyone to know. I would cringe if it was that obvious. Like, it was written on my forehead:

FAGGOT APPROACHING

I knew I wasn't a queen. I knew I wasn't a flamer. You could just tell I had the spirit. It didn't help my voice was a couple ocatives higher and I was lanky. I would sit and ask God why he put such impending doom on me. Because of that, I didn't feel I was attractive. I had myself labelled as the tall gay boy that no one would want to talk too. This is at 13 mind you. A time when I should be enjoying my youth. I didn't. Those were the worse times of my life. It was a time when I just wanted to die. Kill myself and start over in a new body and new begining. From 13 to 20 was when I wanted death. I don't care how I died but just kill my ass and make sure it was painless.

Secretly, I would look at all the other boys and wish I could be like them. Masculine and dominate. Getting all the girls and being uber manly and tough. I knew that outfit would look bad on me though. People thought I was soft. I knew being that "man" would have probably fucked me up the rest of my life. Lying to females when secretly, I yearned for what they yearned for. I was looking when I wasn't suppose to be. Having gym class and looking at all the sweaty boys playing basketball. Watching their arms flexing and their butts jiggling. It made me hot. Hot for a man's man.

I was never pursued. Never secretly asked out. I was always there really. That boy. I hear stories from other gay guys about the dudes they messed with undercover. I never had that. I feel thats why I never thought of myself as attractive. I would think not only was I gay but ugly too. Girls didn't even want me. Thats why I remained a virgin all throughtout high school.

Fear.

I knew that I didn't really like girls. I did but they didn't give me the OOMPH a sexy man did. Only one female made me hard but, of course, she was WAY out of my league at that time. I felt doomed. I lived with my single mother and grandmother and they spoiled me, which made things worse. I was always in my room, wanting to be like those other kids. I would look out my window and imagine myself being popular. Getting into cars with my friends and driving to the malt shop for a medium latte and a plate of good times. I wanted to be normal, feel me?

Today, I'm better but still tainted. My 20s have been a better ride. Its been like high school really. I went through all four years in my early twenties and graduated from the school of Life. I am a totally different person from back then. I know a little more about myself and I realize that I am indeed gay. I'm not really interested in females like that. They are nice to look at and I often imagine what it would be like sticking my dick in one ... but I KNOW I wouldn't enjoy it. I have this bad image in my head that men don't want me because I'm not masculine and you know how dudes in this world are. If they are downlow, they want others who are downlow. You cannot have a hint o'bitch or they don't want to be around you. They will literally treat you like shit and pull your cards because they want to fuck you but, they know they are risking their manhood. I've already been in a situation like that. Seems like the men I like are on that yabba jabba.

These days, the fear of being gay still overwhelms me though. I feel alone. A gay black man's plague. I still cringe at the thought of being labelled a faggot. I don't want to be open either. I want my business to be just that. I'm not going to play that downlow game because they are a bunch of pussies anyway. I know that I need a to accept myself and live my life. I also know that I need to understand that being gay doesn't mean that you have to become a queen and participate in gay parades either.

I also realize that people know. Even if I want to admit it or not. For instance, my boss at my other job told me:

Maybe you can flirt with the guys in the line.

It made me hard swallow because of the blatant insinuation. Another girl said:

Do you think any of the guys here are attractive?

Another hard swallow.

Was I become gayer and more obvious as the days go on?

I start getting depressed because I don't want to that negro. Not the gay queeny friend that girls go too when they need a walking napkin. I like to joke and be silly but at the end of the day, the obvious remarks bother me. I still want to be treated like a man. At the same time, I don't want to change who I am because, I in fact, like me. Not love but moreso getting into deep like going to love. Baby steps. The older I get, the more I realize. I'm starting to not want the THUG. I love Kanye West for God sakes and he isn't the definition of masculine. I just want a man that has a hint of dominance. Similar to the guys I use to drool over. That man, ya know?

As Ka`toi talked at dinner, this is what ran through my mind. We ate our pancakes and she gave me wonderful advice. I pray that pretty soon, I listen.

v.Ho

Article: Single IS Better.

2006-07-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Are you better off single?
By Dawn Yanek

Attention, unmarried people of America: You can splurge on a fancy new wristwatch without having to explain yourself. You can stay out till 3 a.m. without having to phone home. You can leave the toilet seat up. In fact, there are many, many ways that single life rocks, though you may forget that fact when your relatives are grilling you about settling down.

Not only do you have the freedom to do anything you want—it’s also the best time in history to be flying solo. The marriage rate has declined nearly 50 percent since 1970, according to the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, and right now, there are approximately 100 million singles in the U.S. And there’s strength in those numbers: “Today’s choose-to-be singles differ from the poor-me singles of past generations; there’s less of a stigma attached to being single, ” says Jerusha Stewart, author of The Single Girl’s Manifesta. “Singles are traveling, buying homes and doing everything they want to—you don’t have to get married anymore to live your life with style.”

Want more specifics on why you should celebrate being single? Here, 10 fascinating benefits to being unmarried:

Reason #1: You have a better body.

We’ve all been there—you get into a relationship, and suddenly you’re trying out new recipes all the time and cuddling instead of exercising. Well, things tend to get worse with marriage. A recent Cornell University study found that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first 10 years.

For the unmarried, though, the motivation to stay slim remains: “Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners,” says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City, “so they’re still ‘working on themselves.’” In short, being single is way better than any New Year’s resolution or exercise DVD to motivate you to stay in shape.

Reason #2: You’re more likely to achieve great things.

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed. According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts. Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they’ve won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children. So single folk should know they are primed to achieve — whether that means turbo-charging their careers or honing their rock-climbing skills — and get out there and work it!

Reason #3: You do less housework.

You know that saying about a tree falling in a forest and there’s no one there to hear it? Well, if you leave a sock on the floor but there’s no one else there to see it, does it really need to be picked up? If you’re a single woman, you can contemplate deep questions like this one because you have more free time. According to one study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, women do less housework when single than when married. Men, on the other hand, do more housework when unmarried (that’s probably because there’s someone picking up after them once they’re wed…). So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends—whatever makes you happy.

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.

Go ahead: Splurge on that pricey moisturizer or that obscenely large plasma TV you’ve been lusting after. You don’t have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself. Once you mix money with marriage, though, things change—and fast. According to a survey by SmartMoney magazine, 40 percent of women and 36 percent of men have lied to their spouses about a purchase. “When you’re single, your finances are your own,” explains Phyllis Chase, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and co-host of the radio show Shrink Rap. “When you’re married, you have to deal with different styles of spending and saving, and you may take on your partner’s debt.” And a marriage that doesn’t make it for the long haul can also have a major negative effect on one’s wealth. According to researchers at Ohio State University’s Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch.

Reason #5: You have better sex.

Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles’ 49), but singles have better sex. According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. “People who are dating have better sex because it’s novel,” says Davis. “Married people have to relearn how to play. It’s natural for singles because that’s the nature of a courting relationship—they tease, they experiment, they explore.” Nature lends a helping hand, too. According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. After that, other hormones take over—most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are.

Reason #6: You’re better rested and smarter.

While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bedmate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Sleeping two-to-a-bed just isn’t as restful as snoozing solo. Other studies confirm that singles generally get more rest — seven to eight hours of sleep a night — than marrieds, which enhances memory, mood and concentration, as well as allows your immune system to recharge. And, according to scientists at the University of Luebeck in Germany, creativity and problem-solving may directly correlate with getting enough sleep. In the study, participants were given a math puzzle; those who’d had eight hours of sleep or more before tackling it were three times more likely to get the right answer than those who slept less. So, singles, revel in the fact that you’re alert, rested and have that extra brain-power edge.

Reason #7: You’re less depressed.

Although the media often perpetuates the image of single people being down in the dumps, overall unmarried people tend to be happier than their married counterparts—if you’re a woman, that is. One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially ones with children, have a higher risk for depression than single women, and researchers at the University of London found that single women generally have fewer mental-health issues. “Marriage, in many ways, seems to benefit men more than women,” says Davis. “For women, there’s more of a loss of self.” And, of course, today’s women often feel like they need to do it all—have a career, take care of the kids and perform other traditionally “female” responsibilities. “People who aren’t married are still investing in themselves,” says Davis. “It’s not selfish—it’s giving to yourself, and that’s something married people can learn from single people.”

Reason #8: You have better friendships.

Significant others are a wonderful thing, no doubt, but friends count, too. And on that front, one study found that, when women get married and have children, they spend much less time with their friends—less than five hours a week, down from 14 hours. Singles, however, often have the greatest sense of friendship and community—which can actually decrease stress levels, according to researchers at UCLA. Here's another way to look at this: “Singles don’t rely on just one person to meet their needs. You don’t automatically know who you’re going to spend Friday night with,” says Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. “The plus side is that you have a lot of different people in your life and potentially a greater sense of social possibilities.”

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.

Marrieds take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips. According to the Travel Industry Association of America, singles corner the adventure-travel market, engaging in activities like whitewater rafting, scuba diving and mountain biking. Being single and relatively footloose certainly allows you to expand your geographical — and personal — borders. “I have lived abroad, backpacked for close to a year, have been in love three times and much more,” says Courtney Davis, 27, a media-relations manager in Boston. “With every place and every person, my world has expanded.”

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.

You’re a better catch now than you were at 20. You may have signs of, ahem, experience etched on your face, but that’s OK because you’re more interesting and more self-aware. Not only have you grown as a person, but you’ve probably been through the ringer a few times in matters of love and now know what you want—and what you don’t. Experts say that bodes well for future marital success and may actually decrease the likelihood of divorce. “When people get married young, they often feel like the other person will complete them, and they have trouble moving past that Hollywood myth,” explains Chase. “But maturity brings so much, because if you’re able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage.” And that’s a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you’re more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

Dawn Yanek is the author of How to Find the Right Person in 90 Days and Women’s Best-Kept Secrets. She frequently appears on VH-1, MSNBC, and other networks as a commentator on relationships, celebrities and lifestyle trends.

Barely Legal/Barely Straight

2006-07-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

I remember when,
I remember,
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space.
-Gnarls Barkley, Crazy

So, last night was interesting.

Went to the mall to return a purchase that was absolutely horrid. I regret buying it but I got to experience it. It wasnt a dildo you perverts. Anyway, as I passed by my other job, I saw the familiar curvacure of Barely Legal's ass. He looked very Kanye-esque in attire, which I didn't mind, because I love me some Kanye. He wore this pink dress shirt underneath a tan vest type contraption. All in all, he looked good. I would have fucked him good after work if we were together.

I noticed he was looking at me but was too shy to talk to me. Which is fine because I'm done looking thirsty for a man. Like I stated earlier, you want me; MAN UP! He did his thing and I did mine. Well, anyway, later on that night I went to iHOP with Ka`Toi. She was telling me that when he walked by, her little cousin started walking like him, showing how feminine he walked. She also said that he walks like a lady. Not gay with a switch but you know something is up. Plus, he had a wedge. One I wouldn't mind picking out with my teeth.

They aren't the first people to think he was gay. This girl from the same job thought so too. She was talking about the dudes in the job she thought were cute. I asked what she thought about him and her response was:

I thought he was gay.

There you have it. I have a feeling he might be a bottom though. Men like that tend to like getting fucked but, you never know. I wouldn't be the fucker but I would definitely play around with him with no issue ah-tall. God, I want to just grab a handful of that ass of his.

**drifting off into all sorts of day dreams**

Next blog: Dinner with Ka`Toi.

v.Ho

Sudden Urge To Get Down On My Knees

2006-07-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Dear God ...

Please send me a fione man who looks like this, doesn't have his head up his anal cavity, is masculine and won't bitch out on my ass, has no active diseases and will not get any, and will treat me like the gentleman that I am. Let him be making good LEGAL money, has no crazy ass baby mommas, drives or has a solid reasoning for taking the bus/train, and has future goals other than finding new ways to scratch his balls.

Also, I request he knows how to kiss, be freaky, and has a nice sized hose that will fit just right and not kill my ass ... literally. I also promise to fulfill all his needs, give him mind blowing and toe curling head better than Superhead, and give him plenty no holds bar good stuff on those drunken nights. Can you do that for me? I have been a real good boy these last few years. Thank you.

Amen.

Mental Spins Of The Moment

2006-07-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

My mind hamster wheel is going like this:

1) Me want to love Chingy long time.

2) Speaking of Chingy, why is this new song he has out the reason why most people can't break up with their no good boyfriends/girlfriends? Get a clue.

3)Why is it pouring out? I mean really? Its a hot misty musty mess outside.

4)Tiearra Mari's song "Make Me Feel Good" is really describing me right about now.

5) You ask someone to do something for you and they take their sweet ass time. Why?

6) I am sitting up here really pressed over this one dude. I might need to send me on timeout with no ice cream or cartoons for the rest of the week.

7) Ka`Toi just wrote this to me in my instant messages:

that's why a lot of people...you, included...need to appreciate and accept who they are, what they want, and what they absolutely will not deal with. Otherwise, they're always looking for that someone to complete them and make them feel whole and they'll take almost anything from that person they feel is providing that "something". like the saying goes, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything."

Why did I just deep swallow my spit like I just swallowed some funky spunk?

8) Can I change or am I a love/lust struck fool?

9) Why did I just smile when the other negro Security called me just now?

10) Okay, I really am a fool.

11) Why do I just want to hug and kiss Ka`Toi and Bestest Friend for being my best teammates?

12) Why, on another note, do I want to kick TSH in the shin and steal his precious badges?

13)Barely Legal has a beautiful ass. I love how it curves and you can see every outline of it when he wears slacks. God! Do I just want to lick it and grab a chunk out of it.

14) Why was he also telling this one dude at work:

"God, my thighs are so big."

Egad. We might have a divo on our hands. Bad enough he reminds me of baby daddy # 25 Kanye West.

15) I'm really at a state of confusion right about now. Help.

Madame V. Ho

2006-07-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

So, I was talking to TSH yesterday and he sounded just a shitty mess. At-ti-tude. He thinks I can't pick up on things like that. He must be sadly mistakened! He sounded like he was about to jack knife my ass through the speakers. I had to hold the phone away from my ear before he sliced my throat.

As we talked, I had to go to his job to visit, but due to reasons beyond my control (like my ass was sleeping), I didn't get to go. I explained why and he says randomly:

You are such a lady.

Say what? A lady? Because I didn't want to go to your job? C'mon now. I really needed to hear his reasoning for this comment. His explaination:

Not a lady like that but temperamental. Its like you got PMS.

Yeah, I do. Male fucking PMS breadren. At the wrong moment, at the right time, I catch a mood swing. I think its just my nature. I won't lie nor do I feel bad for bit. I try to control it and 50% of the time, it is successful. The comment kind of pissed me off a little. I acted non-chalant but I made no urgency in chirping him back. I think I need to fall back a little. I'm really not for all that jibba jabba. I don't want to look like a chirp pest anyway. I'm not trying to look that pressed. Sometimes, you need to jump back from a situation and allow yourself to be missed.

Which leads me to my next question: Why are you deemed a "lady" because you are emotional? I'm not going to lie, I have my divo tantrums but I get over them. My trusted friends know how I am and allow me to vent and carry on like a bitch with a blood stain. That's just my personality. I don't know why this is so but I have come to accept that about myself. We all get a little emotional. Gay men for that matter. Straight men even go through it too. I've seen the masculine straight men get straight up bitchified because something didn't go their way. Its life. It is natural. That is what makes us all so damn different. Some people are quick to throw stones when they reside in a glass house.

Tsk.

v.hO

Interesting.

2006-07-11T06:20:00.000-07:00

July 11, 2006

Body Balance

Masculine And Feminine Sides Of The Body

If you look in the mirror and view your profile from each side, you may notice that the two sides of your face are slightly different from one another. Additionally, your left hand is similar to but different from your right hand. In fact, these subtle differences pervade both sides of your entire body.

Considering these differences in the context of the idea that the right side of your body is masculine and the left side feminine may shed some light on how balanced you are in relation to your masculine and feminine qualities. Intuition, feelings, openness, and unselfishness govern the feminine side of our natures. The masculine side is characterized by logic, facts, systems, and self-interest. If you are giving too much to others to the detriment of yourself, your feminine side may be overactive and your right side may need strengthening, to speak up on your behalf, protecting and conserving your energy. If your life is too rigidly structured, your masculine aspect may be overactive; developing your feminine aspect will bring a more open-ended and creative approach. Maintaining harmony between the left side and the right side, the feminine and masculine, is a key to wholeness. We can foster awareness of our own relative state of balance by tuning in to our bodies.

When you close your eyes and scan your body, what do you see? You may find that most of your ailments, from acne to muscle tension, occur on the left side of your body. This might indicate that your feminine aspect is out of balance in some way. Similarly, if you notice a lot of tension in your right shoulder, perhaps your masculine side is overtaxed or weakened. Just noticing an imbalance is the beginning of healing it. Some imbalances may be long-standing, and it may take time to bring your system into equilibrium. Remember to be gentle with yourself and listen to your body. Over time, doing this can guide you to a dynamic state of inner and outer balance.

Crazy/Beautiful

2006-07-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

I love my friends. I truly do. They are closer to me then family. Hell, my sibling isn't even as close. That fool isn't talking to me. Why, I don't know. Dumb ass.

Anyway, I had a friend call me today with man problems. I went off on them over a guy that is not right for them but now, I sit and think, why am I not following the advice I give. I'm looking like the idiot each and every time because I want someone to make me feel complete. I'm searching for that love. Years back, I wasn't concerned about love. I was just happily living my life and enjoying all my blessings. Now, it's like I'm on a personal quest for a man. Like I'm in fucking Tomb Raider or some bullshit. He holds the key to my destiny. I mean what the fuck?My Bestest Friend just told me about myself for the 50th time and now, its really starting to sink in.

"You are not progressing forward in life at this point and this is extremely bad." - Bestest Friend.

Bad enough, I got Ka`Toi also letting me know from the back. I have all my priorities fucked the hell on up. Does this mean I have some sort of love addiction? If so:

"Hello ... my name is Virgin H0 ... and I'm a man addict."

V. Ho

Chirp Sex

2006-07-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

Over the phone is taking to long
I can't wait to see you so we can get it on
It dosen't matter about the place
It's going down,
when I see your pretty face.
-Avant, Phone Sex

So, Security and I had a brief flirt fling on my walkie talkie today at work. It was very strange because I almost thought he forgot who he was talking too. We were talking about how I didn't hold the door for the white folks in the elevator. I don't know how we got into how "bad" he was in bed, but, we started going back and forth. It got to the point he put on his sexy voice and get ready to romance me over this Nextel.

His lines are bolded:

"I bust in about two minutes."
"Really? That's not a good look."
"I don't care about the look."
"You should. Being bad in bed is not going to get you that far."
"I need to be taught."
"You do."
"Uh huh. I need to be taught by a freak."
"Oh really? Stroke by stroke huh?"
"Yup."
"I'm sure a freak will teach you the basics."

So, you see what I'm saying. Okay, fine, but then this happens:

"Okay, this conversation is getting boring and I'm falling asleep."

WHAT THE BLUE HELL DID HE WANT ME TO SAY! I hate these straight ~~gay~~ boys sometimes. I'm not trying to reveal too much. He isn't trying to reveal too much. So we are stuck. It gets better:

"When last did you get some?"
"I havent. I'm still a virgin."
"Yeah right."
"Naw. I got some the last time I told you. I got oral though."
"Was it good?"
"Yeah, she was the truth! She made me bust 80 times in one minute."
"80 times in one minute huh? Wow, I'm skilled in that area."

Then ... silence. I chirp him back (something I don't do) and he tells me he is busy and he will hit me back. I'm about ready to cum in my pants and he pulls this number. UGH. He should not be allowed to chirp flirt ever again.

V. Ho

18 Years And Older

2006-07-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

For Mature Audiences Only:

Click the picture ... at your own discretion.

V. Ho

Slow In Motion

2006-07-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

Love is this marathon, I'm running for you baby
And you don't know me yet but faith is all I have, see
And I'm gonnnaaaaa
Win this race
-Kelis, Marathon

This weekend was interesting to say the least. It was more like boring and un-motivated. I was dipping and diving between two emotions. Fuck you and Fuck you harder. I waned to just stay in bed all day but money had to made.

I went to work Friday only to be smacked dead in the face with fine men everywhere. Upstairs. Downstairs. In-berween. It was like I couldn't breathe. I seem to have an addiction to good looking eye candy. I personally want a piece of that eye candy but, for some odd reason, I can't seem to get one. I don't know why. I hear all these stories from queens from far away lands getting these kind of men BUT my ass is single and treated like I have black plague. I just don't get it. It starts to frustrate me because I start asking myself random questions:

Am I butt-ugly?
Is my personality on point?
Do I smile?
Are my flaws bigger than they seem?

... then, I turn around, and some ugly Beo-wolfe is walking with the man of my dreams. It is very frustrating. Even as I write this, I feel tears coming because I feel like an outcast to love, lust, and even like. I hate feeling like this. One day, I hope to get those men I dream of.

So work went well. I bop around that place like a social butterfly. Associating with my co-workers and enjoying their company. We aren't suppose to "talk" anymore but fuck them! I work in retail not corporate and even in corporate, they still find themselves at the water cooler discussing who fucked who. There was this dude (we will call him Half Breed) that came back from NYC to work again and he is so cute. His NYC swagger is what draws me close. He looks at me deep in my eyes and is very aggressive. I'm not going to say he is down because he has a girl but that never stopped anyone before. I just stopped looking at signs and enjoyed his company and what he talked about.

Barely Legal was there that night. Rolled up in the place wearing a dress shirt and slacks. Nice dress shoes because he is interning at some company downtown. Watched him when he walked in but tried not to pay him that much attention. I am definitely going to win this even if I get no prize. He saw one dude and went up to him and gave him dap. Walked up beside me and in this seductive voice and tapped me on my shoulder ...

..."Whassup?"
"I'm good." - my reply, same tone.

That was it for the rest of the night. I wanted to not do my usual. Look for hints and try to get his attention. I'm a prize. You want me, you fight for this. You don't, well then, obviously I wasn't worth the determination on his part.

It feels like I want love. I do. Hell, I want to experience a man while I'm doing my thing. Is that so hard? People are always telling me that I need to be single but, when you have NEVER had a relationship before, you get a little thirsty. When you start knowning yourself and growing day by day, you want someone. That is only fucking natural. Shit. People are treating me like a foreign concept but, when they get lonely, they start complaining and throwing their hands to God. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Where is he dammit?!

This is the emotional side of me coming out. Bare with.

“The more successful I become, the more I need a man." - Beyonce Knowles.

...Me too.

V`Ho

Men Of All Flavors

2006-07-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

I love straight looking/straight acting men. I hate a man that looks and acts like he has a tablespoon of bitch in him. Especially if you are trying to top me. I'm not trying to have some dude ontop of me, moaning and carrying on like his vagina is hanging out to dry. HELL NAW! I want a man. A go out and get his shit man I argue this with my very bestest of friends because we have two different tastes when it comes to the black man. He likes them model-esque with a little cha cha in their caboose. I, on the other hand, like them masculine and muscular. Allen Iverson or LL Cool J type of brother with a nice booty. Even though I'm a bottom, I loved my stacked from the back brothas. That's the first thing I check out on a guy. A little something to grab onto when the ride gets bumpy. If you are lacking-in-the-backing then you better make up for it in girth.

I'm crushing on four dudes right now. One is an asshole while the other three are just random dick I came across along the way. One is a crush from way back while the others I want to break my back. I'll break all four down. Names will be changed to protect the fuckable. Remember them because they will be back in other stories and situations.

We will start with my crush. We will give him the name of ... Past.

Past was my first introduction onto men in 2002. Thats when I really started liking men. Shit, he was fine. I got good taste. I was starting to accept I liked a little dick in my life. I met him through these "straight" pretty boys I use to roll with but I didn't pay attention to his ass the first time I saw him but I noticed he would drop subtle hints that he found me attractive. After a long time of ignoring those hints, I finally took notice. You know the old saying, "Chase it and it runs". Well, so he did. That and the fact I kept bringing this fat M & M rolly polly bitch around that secretly liked him too. Note to self: keep all pussy away from the dick I like unless they are 3-waying with us. I saw Past last night as I was walking home and he looked scrumptious. I swear, the last time I saw him, he looked like poop. I could't believe he let himself go. He was a serious pothead but damn, I didn't think he would get to that point. I have an on/off switch with my feelings for him. Some days I want him while others I forget. I need to let him go but he was my first boy crush. Straight, I don't know but I'm sure he will be back to answer my questions.

Next is ... Security.

Security is not my idea of what I wanted in a man BUT I'd do him. The first time I walked into my job, there he was, staring at me. I have that effect on alot of people but this one was burning holes on my temple. I introduced myself and we became cool. I notice he tries to hard to be straight. It could be me though. He talks way too much about bitches but would insinuate what kind of guys Diddy would like. My brakes stopped instantly for that one. He does have nice pink lips that I wouldn't mind exploring my neck but ... he tries to hard to make me think he is cool AND straight. Big turn off.

Now its ... Barely Legal.

I met this fucker in December breifly because he knew a girl I use to chill with. My ex butch dyke friend let me know he was checking me out. I was thrilled because he is fine. He kinda reminds me of Kanye. I like that. I was suppose to go back to his job and find out some dirt BUT I had a life {scoff}. Anyway, months later, I work at his job now. WOO WOO! I walked in that joint and he was looking at me with the sex eyes. I knew he was on to me. Shit, the way how he dressed, I thought he was gay. I was prepared for an easy conquest. Was I in for a surprise. Anyway, we flirted back and forth and again, I would catch him looking at me but no hook onto my bait. He treats me differently than the other dudes at the job, which is good because he knows I'm not the one by my stance. All I know is he has an ass of a God! It is so round and juicy. He has a nice frame too. He is definitely on my want to fuck list BUT he is leaving for college soon. Did I mention his ass JUST turned 18?! Zoinks. Oh well, young dick is better dick.

Last but not least ... Twists.

{sigh} I think I LOVE this man. Okay, first of all, he reminds me of Past as far as looks is concerned. He is a tall glass of fine with the scent of hot dick in a bottle. I met him while playing a boring game of spades at a get together. Before he came, it was all mud ducks. Nothing to get riled up about. He walked in the room and I nearly fell off my chair. I thought it was Past! I was all drooling and shit. Ka`toi Childs, my fantastic sister from another, asked him to play with us and he did. I couldn't stop staring at his lips, eyes, teeth, skin, arms, pores, nose hairs, and glasses. I imagined everything I would do to him. Apparently, my friend Ka`toi was also in awe. I made it my mission to find out about him. This is a story in development. My friend who threw the get together, TSH a.k.a Talk Show Host, knows something and is either trying to keep me away or drop subtle hints. TSH has be trying to get some of me too but we jumped out the window and landed on friends. Something ain't right and I want it to be all right. If he was to get at me, fuck the other three. I'd have all his adopted love children with no issue!

So many ~~gay~~/straight men; so little time. Aaah.

V. Ho

First.

2006-07-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is my first blog. A quick summary into who I am. Well, that is out of the question because I'm not going to reveal who I am. All you will know is that I can or will contradict myself, can be a ho, loves good looking black men, and refuses to settle for anything less in life. I am spoilt and emotional brat with a mixture of attractive and sense of humor. Complete with a sprinkle of bitchified greatness. I am me and you are going to like it!

I am a undercover gay/~~straight~~ black man looking for the same. I'm not about to sit up here and say I'm the most masculine man in America but I sure to hell beat out these snow queens, voguing eloquently in their Prada boots, while they hold onto their Starbuck's Strawberries and Cream fraps. Uh uh. I roll with straight people and enjoy their company. I like downlow men because a) I either want to fuck them or b) they are not out there breaking a hip because of their sistah bitch switch.

When it comes to men, I love love looooooooove them. I can try to find something attractive in a man BUT, if you are a mud duck or broke, then you are assed out. I hate a worthless man. I hate men that have nothing going for them but hard dick and bubble gum. I like aggressive men. Being that I am a bottom, that would be rightfully so. I want a man to control me and put me in my place when I act up. I hate wimps. I know alot about dick and the ins and outs of sex BUT I'm still a virgin. Why? Observation. From very young, I've observed alot. I pick up on things. Shit, I've been masturbating since I was 5. YES! I said 5. Lately (and by lately, I mean the last 5 years) I have been lonely. I want someone. I want a man. One to call my own. I'm crushing on 4 dudes right about now. I'll get into them later on in my next blog.

Females are okay. I find myself looking at them lately. I don't have the urge to stick my dick in them. I'm not grossed out by pussy but I just haven't found that girl that made me do a back flip. I like my saddity bitches but, I am just as saddity myself. I am a divo. Mr. West is my hero! I like to dress. I spend hours in the mirror that you would think I was Windex. I'm a shopaholic and proud of it.

I'm a very high maintenance black man and you will learn to like it as I blog. I know I'll get those few readers that will either love or hate me. Love me, I love you. Hate me, my dick is yours for the sucking.

Anyway, thats it. I'll be back in about 15 minutes.

V. Ho