Movin' On

I just gotta keep it moving.

No more straight boy distractions. These dudes I lust after do nothing for me. Well, to me but, that's another story. I made a vow to stop looking at straight men UNTIL I have been told they are gay.

I have totally let go of all these feelings I had for the dudes I was going head over heels for. It was actually really hard but I had to let go. I don't think right now I am meant to talk to anyone, let alone fuck anyone. I feel I'm supposed to be focused. I got places to go and people to see. Things that need to be conquered ... but I'm holding myself back by concentrating too much on dick. Dick that get erects but shrivels up when I start to move in closer.

At one point, I was blaming myself. It is not me to blame ... it is them. I tried to open myself up. I could have tried a little harder but, in our lifestyle, you kinda gotta just hold back on being too foward. Maybe they were gay and maybe they werent but ... I will never know and that is okay.

Maybe I'm paranoid?

Hell, it seems like everytime I turn on a televison or read a gay blog, some gay guy is getting his ass kicked and killed. I'm not even trying to get to that level. Does this mean I'm going to be alone? I don't take risks enough? It is easier when you have a vagina and want a man. It is " the way it is suppose to be " kinda thing. When you have a dick and tryna find dick ... it's not that easy.

Funny thing is, I seem to be the one that all the people in gay relationships cheat on their men to be with. My little brother says I'm hot, why wouldn't I get that attention? I'm going to this place where this gay couple attends and the top is seriously trying to get my attention. I mean from staring to walk extra close to me. I'm always " the man stealing ho " for some odd reason. It has happened before with the guys I talked too. A majority were in realtionships and wanted to get a piece. Some left who they were with to try to be with me. Although it didn't work out, I was still responsible for a break up.

Is that my role in this gay world? The guy who the others want but too scared to approach? The guy who secretly make all the gay boys and downlow brothas cream? Am I the one that will just be a side piece? I wished for it in my low self esteem days but I feel it is coming true. I can't walk into a room without head turning. It makes me feel good to know that I am sexy and good looking like that but, at the same time, I believe in karma.

" He left you to be with me ... he'll leave me to be with you again. "

No way Jose. I do not have the patience to deal with that mess.

I'm in serious under construction mode to find who I am and what I truly want. This will definitely get interesting.

v.Ho

Random Quote From Yahoo Answers ...

I swear Yahoo Answers is the best thing invented. My self esteem is growing due to the questions and answers I constantly read. It's like a free self help book. Why you think I got over D&L so quick? Anywho, here is the quote:

I've heard it said that love is not the solution to our problems, love is the reward for solving our problems. People are universal in their disdain for needy people. Your need is profound, and causing you to cry out, but I suspect it is having the opposite effect that you are after.

You have made some very positive statements. When I hear that someone is well-groomed, well-dressed, and always gets compliments on their voice and general bearing; I picture a successful executive, a natural leader, someone who is capable of making a lot of money for themselves and others.

If you become the top player in a particular field, I can assure you the people around you are going to be paying attention to your business moves in place of your double chins. Success is a very powerful aphrodisiac. Does this mean you will be surrounded by sycophants that intend to use you for material gain? Perhaps. But it might also mean that you win the respect and admiration of a man that truly loves you.

Napoleon Hill, in his book, "Grow Rich with Peace of Mind" talks about the sublimation of sexual energy. Perhaps it's time to divert that healthy urge into a powerful furnace to drive you to success in business. Don't give up on current romance, just postpone it for a more excellent future. I like your guts. keep at it and never doubt your ultimate success, both in business and in love.

If you are going to pray about, then don't worry about it..
If you are going to worry about it, then don't pray about it,
what will be, will be there will better times okay....Best Wishes..

-What a way to start the day.

Whore - ney.

I seem to be getting hornier by the milli-second.

Everyday, my whore-mones are racing like they are in the Indy 500. I tend to get off a good 4 - 5 times a day because I seem to always be in the mood. Always day dreaming about sex and the person giving it to me. Always thinking of ways, positions, and notions. Floating on cloud 9 because the idea of getting fucked seems so right, right about now. Only thing is, no man in sight. Well, except the fine ass ones I see walking down the street, who probably join me in my nassy fantasies.

But, what the hell? I know I'm a man and blah blah blah but I doubt this is normal. I can see sex in everything. If I listen to a song and it is sexual, whoa, watch out. I'm just a damn horny toad.

Like you couldn't tell.

My problem is that even though I'm a serious hornball, I'm still trying to play this virgin thing up. Trying to be perfect. In this world of AIDS and STDS, a boy isn't safe anymore from catching anything. I like to kiss and now, kissing is out due to herpes. I want to be safe and if my safety is questioned, I don't want any part of it ...

BUT ...

... LATELY ...

... I have been thinking screw safety, I just want to get screwed. I'm not talking about meet someone random and fuck them like I have no common sense. You know those hot in the pants heathens and heffas who will fall on a dick without knowning where it has been. No. I want to at least know the person and their history. Have them tested ASAP. I'm losing my " need - to - be - in - a - relationship " idea and stepping into " need - to - get - mine " kind of thinking. In this lifestyle, we can't up and get married and lose our virginity in a Vegas honeymoon suite. Uh uh. Not happening.

I have accomplished alot having my virginity for as long as I've had it but, I think it's time for it to go. It's a new day. I have seen the light and have grown quite a bit. Even though it hasn't worked out with the people I have liked, I will try to keep myself open for that man that is trying to get some, strictly on a getting some basis.

A dix dealer.

I would like this dix dealer to be someone I'm sexually attracted too, fine, and isn't infested with diseases that aren't even discovered. We'll get into love and relationships alot later in life. Right now, a boy just wants to have fun.

I'm wondering if I confusing lust with deep like, maybe even love? My eyes have been open to alot of things recently, and I'm fucking up. I'm not taking risks and I'm just doing nothing ... or no one in the process. It shouldn't be this difficult. I'm a fly sexxi mofo that wants a real boy to do real things with sexually. My sex drive alone can take me all the way to East India. Is it wrong to say that I still get off to D&L, even though I shouldn't? I keep imagining him on-top of me and my knees buckle. [thud] I keep having all these nasty 3 some, rough sex, call my name day dreams with him that just won't seem to go away. Bad enough, I saw someone on the train that looked like him. Shoot, I thought it was him: Same style and features. Same build and facial expressions. I was going to jump on that fool there and then.

Thank GOD for prayer.

But, like I said, more to cum.

V.Ho

State Of Confusion

"And of course the elephant in the room that no one wants to point out is that even though the vast majority of both fem and masc gay men prefer masc men, even masculine men prefer other masculine men over feminine men.

I am reminded of that new Beyonce song "Upgrade". It is in a man's nature to acquite the best he can. His first gay sexual experience may have been with someone who he might not have been all that attracted to, for he might not be all that familiar with the gay scene and the plentiful choices out there. But what happens when he sees more, and he realizes his "social worth" and that he can do and acquire "better"? UPGRADE! So the hot masculine guy (Wade or Tre) who was with a first-time thing (Noah / Alex), now gets a Dre or Tre.

No different from one these hot jocks leave their hometowns to go to college. They're dating their dumpy, frumpy hometown honey Gertrude but when they go off to the big city they see better options, and TAKE THEM and never look back! UPGRADE! " - Random poster on Keith Boykin's comment box.

I'm seriously starting to wonder if that is true.

I am an avid fan of Noah's Arc. Love the dynamic of the show ... the first season. This second season rolls around and I don't know what the fuck is going on. It was on some other shit as far as the drama and the pettiness was concerned. Noah is more and more starting to come off as a queen, than that bottom gay guy I thought so highly about. His outfits were left for debate BUT, in the first season, I felt for him. He was like me a little. He just got the guy. His yearn for Wade, someone I am very attarcted to might I add. This second season, he lost it for me. I couldn't relate with him anymore. He was just ... out there.

The above poster made a point, esp. here:

His first gay sexual experience may have been with someone who he might not have been all that attracted to, for he might not be all that familiar with the gay scene and the plentiful choices out there. But what happens when he sees more, and he realizes his "social worth" and that he can do and acquire "better"? UPGRADE! So the hot masculine guy (Wade or Tre) who was with a first-time thing (Noah / Alex), now gets a Dre or Tre.

Is this true? I seem to attract those men who are new coming into the lifestyle. I never seem to attarct the TOPS who are like 5 - 6 years in the lifestyle. They might like me from afar but never pursue. I get the men who are suppose to be confused straight trying to fight for my attention ... but never dare actually ask me anything.

Now, I'm not feminine. I'm not masculine. I'm one of those gay men just STUCK in the middle. I am just me. I know I'm not the psuedo masculine man and wouldn't try making that mistake being in denial. Then, I'm not the fem queen who is voguing and doing side step twirls with a glittery baton. Nope, I'm just me. Take it or leave it.

But, is that the reason I am single?

I don't see alot of men looking for someone like me. Not into the gay scene and just walking to his own beat. I don't go to gay clubs or balls. I only went to gay programs in my coming out phase and I didn't like them all that much. People often asked at those events why I was single and I had to just smile and say,

"Guess it's not my time."

It seems it is never my time esp. the dudes I drool after. I put my pictures on gay sites like A4A and BGC, only to be rejected. I'm a slim dude and I'm not popping pec titties and showing abs and ass ... so, I'm ruled out. My voice isn't the average deep negro. It is trapped in the middle of being a midtempo. I deepen it when I'm uncomfortable but why act like something I'm not, just to meet a man? That's like these homo thugs who act all masculine in the pictures, but at the right occasion, a Louis Vuttion purse will fly out his mouth!

Maybe, I'm looking to hard. Maybe, I'm coming off desperate. I don't know. Last night, I was out with two friends and I'm in the backseat crying and shit. I wasn't crying because I wasn't having a good time. I was crying because I thought about how I had to let go of another guy I was so sure of. Even though I threw D&L off my friend's list, I still think about him. I still find myself masturbating to him, even though I told myself to stop. This is not going to be easy.

Then, will I just find a dude who is using me to upgrade. Like the above poster said, it is something to ponder. I'm not attarcted to feminine men and nowadays, they arent even peeping me like before. There might be some hard truth in that loving yourself thing. When I was doing me, they were all over me. NOW, I'm not even getting looked at like I was before.

YET, if I wanted pussy tommorow, I could get it tonight. The amount of females that I could screw is crazy.

Something just popped in my mind. I am so concerned with men, that I ignore the females and they stay trying to get a piece of me. When you ignore something, it chases you.

I might have found a clue into my dilemma already.

v.Ho

re-New

It's about time.

v.Ho

Took The First Step

Thise whole D&L thing is over.

When true friends have to intervine, it's time to break that habit.

Erased his presence off my friend's list and will make an effort to erase him from my mind. He is definitely the perfect example of an option I made into a priority.

So: D&L

v.Ho

1:57AM

I have alot to say this morning but, I just can't seem to concentrate.

I feel strange. I feel a mixture of things actually. I feel sad, happy, angry, and tired. I feel like I'm losing my control. Like Janet said, it's all about control. Lots of it but lately, I feel out of it. I'm going through a couple financial issues that have me in a rut but, I know I will see my way out of it soon.

My issue is I'm falling to hard for a guy that I know nothing about. I'm falling for a guy, something I swore after the last crash and burns, I would never do again. Somehow, I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. I don't really know what I was thinking but obviously, I wasn't.

Typical v.Ho fashion.

I hear tonight a guy that is bi feels D&L gets down. He has this feeling about him that hit him like it hit me and a couple others. Great. Only problem is, I won't see or hear anything about it, seeing as how I don't see D&L. I don't work with him like they do. I just get to see him at parties, which, havent happened in a while. It feels like hell. It's almost like torture.

Why does this have to be so damn hard? Why is it never easy for me to get the guy?

It is usually so easy for others, but for me, it is always difficult. I attract the guys who are so on the low, it hurts. They play these little games with me that get me open. I usually don't see them all the time but, when I do, it is on.

Look. Look Away. Look Again. Stand close. Deep eye contact.

BS. BS. BS. FUCKING BS.

Then, after a while, they give up on me. Leaving me with all this emotional baggage that I could fill an entire airport with. Got me looking like this puppy with his tail between his legs. I hate it. It's like I wish I could attarct the guys easily and they actually come out to me. I want to go on dates. Argue on the phone. Miss him when he is away from me. Fuck like rabbits and so on and so forth. It seems like I am always alone, if not with my friends. They say I'm not ugly but, I'm alone??????????????????????????????????

Something isn't right. I seem to be plagued with something. Something that has me single for what seemed like an eternity. Ka`Toi has options. TSH has options. My other friends have options but I have nothing.

Sometimes, I sit in my room and I cry because I don't know what is going on. I hear so many stories of men meeting men but I can't. Even if it didn't work out, at least they have the experience. I'm here just dating myself it seems. How much do I need to love myself? There are people with jacked up self esteem meeting countless men, yet, I'm single?

I want a guy I'm attracted too. I should be able to pull them left and right but, it's just not happening and I can't understand why. I fell too deep again for a guy that I know nothing about and now I'm stuck.

I hate feeling like this. I try and I fucking try and nothing is working.

The saga fucking continues ...

v.Ho

Dreaming Of The Unknown

There I go,
Dreaming about D&L again.
It's not even sex dreams as much as it is being with him.
The drama with the unknown is that it is just that.
You are curious for something that feels right but could be and might be wrong.
It really sucks when you feel a certain way but it turns out to be something totally different.
A new poster (thank you) in one of my comments said "dont get my hopes up",
but I think I did and I'm feeling crush-sick.

I'm starting to feel stupid ... again.
I don't even know this guy.
I only know what I felt when we first met and what I've been told.

I'm starting to make him my priority instead of my option.
I don't know when I fell in this trap but I'm starting to regret going this far.
I like him .. yes ... but he shouldn't be the main focal point of all my thoughts and fantasies.

When I crush, I crush HARD.
I heard through the TSH grapevine that this bi guy that works at his job,
told him that some of the dudes he works close with get down.
TSH went on saying that the dude wouldn't tell him BUT he only works with three dudes on his shift, one of which happens to be D&L.

My eyes lit up on the other end of the reciever BUT I kept it composed.
I started thinking back to the times we were all in the same position and I caught D&L staring at me.
Me, being shy, wouldn't hold the eye contact for too long and would look away.
Sometimes, I would feel him looking at me even when I wasn't directly looking at him.

Yet, he added me to his friend's list on the net and hasn't communicated with me since.
I don't get it.
I feel like a silly bitch in deep like.
It would be different if I had options but I havent had a good lead since last summer.

the plot thickens ...

v.Ho